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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



LIGHT WEIGHTS 



LIGHT WEIGHTS 



By 

MANTA S. GRAHAM 




THE CORNHILL PUBLISHING COMPANY 
BOSTON 






Copyright, 1921, 
By THE CORNHILL PUBLISHING CO. 



Copyright, by Manta S. Graham, as dramatic composition, " The 
Goose" "The Trend," "Two's Company," " A By- Product," 
and "Allied Occupations." All rights reserved, in- 
cluding that of translation into foreign languages. 



Printed in the United States of America 

THE PILGRIM PRESS 
BOSTON 

JAN 30 1922 
©CLA654531 



CONTENDS 

PAGE 

The Goose , 3 

The Trend ....... 23 

Two's Company 41 

A By-Product 63 

Allied Occupations , 79 



THE GOOSE 



CHARACTERS: 

Adelaide Simmons, 
Horace Simmons, 
Henrietta. 

SCENE: Adelaide Simmons' Boudoir. 



THE GOOSE 

The walls of the room are soft gray. The hangings 
and upholstery on the dressing table bench, the chaise 
longue and a rocker are gray brocade relieved by touches 
of Chinese blue in the curtain cords and cushions. A 
door right leads into a hall, a door left leads into a bed- 
room. 

Adelaide Simmons is seated at the dressing table upstage 
right. The strength of Adelaide's character is revealed 
in her strong, beautiful face and hep dignity of bearing. 
The blue crepe de chine dressing gown which Adelaide 
wears is devoid of furbelow; its charm lies in the richness 
of the material and in the perfection of the lines on which 
it is fashioned. , 

Adelaide does not comb out her curled, black locks with 
assurance; she confesses her misgivings about the 
effect by frequent glances in her mirror. 
From the bedroom left Horace's voice floats in complaint. 

Horace : I don't want to go anywhere tonight. 

Adelaide: I accepted the invitation, Horace. 

{Horace appears in the doorway, he leans against the 
frame lazily.) 

We can't regret a dinner at this hour; it's almost six 
o'clock now. 

Horace: I'm too tired to spend a whole evening at one 
of the Baker's dull dinners. Can't you get us out of 
it? 



4 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Adelaide: I'm sorry, dear, Mrs. Baker couldn't pos- 
sibly fill our places — 

Horace: Darn the luck, Adelaide, why did you accept 
in the first place? 

Adelaide: We refused their last invitation; I can't 
offend them. 

Horace: Why would they be offended? they'd be two 
dinners to the good; they invited us, their duty's 
done; we can't go — we stay at home in peace. 

Adelaide: If you had told me last night or even this 
morning. 

Horace: You ought to know I never want to go to 
Bakers.' He hasn't had a new story for twenty-five 
years. 
(He lounges on the couch). 

Adelaide : I don't really want to go, Horace — 

Horace: Let's stay home then; I don't want to go, you 
don't want to go; the Bakers are probably having us 
from a sense of duty, we're fools to think of going. 

Adelaide (Goes to Horace, she kisses him on the forehead, 
she assumes a playful manner that does not suit her, and 
is obviously out of character.) 

We'll des go tonight, nex' time Addie will have excuse. 
(Horace looks at her in amazement). 
Never mind, Horrie, dear. 

Horace: Horrie! you — what the — you don't call me 
Horrie — 

Adelaide (Strokes his hair). Nice Horrie, nice — 

Horace (Sits on the edge of the couch) : Great Scott, Ade- 
laide, don't try to be kittenish, you can't, you're — 
you're too big. 

(Adelaide turns away, she goes back to the dressing table, 
she is reinvested with her accustomed dignity. Horace 



THE GOOSE 5 

watches her pin a lock of hair over her forehead; he 

leans forward to scrutinize her. 

What the dickens you done to your hair? 
Adelaide (Gathers the curled locks in her hand). 

I — don't watch me, Horace — 
Horace : I never saw you look frowsy — I can't bear 

frowsy women, Adelaide — 
Adelaide: I'm trying my hair a new way. I'm tired 

doing it that way six years, ever since we were mar- 
ried. — I thought you might be tired of it yourself. 
Horace: No, I like it. These frizzes don't suit your 

dignity. Some women can get away with them — 
Adelaide : They must be small — 
Horace : Yes, and — 
Adelaide : The hair should be light — 
Horace: Yes, I think it should. 

(He watches Adelaide as she attempts to arrange a low 

coil). 

You aren't actually going to leave it that way, are 

you? 
Adelaide: Yes; you'd better dress, Horace. 
Horace : You have too much sense to — 
Adelaide : Wait until you see the result. — Occasional 

changes are good policy, even in coiffures — 
Horace : Adelaide, so few women can wear their hair in 

that braid, it's like a crown on your head, suits you 

exactly; it's classic and chaste — 
Adelaide: Sometimes I think it is possible to be too 

chaste — 
Horace : Adelaide Simmons, what — 
Adelaide: At dinners, I mean. 

(Horace stares at her blankly). 

The world in general is so black — 



6 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

(She turns around in her chair). 

Did you ever see a classic, chaste woman who was 

interesting at a dinner? 
Horace: Now look here Adelaide, don't be cynical, it 

doesn't suit you. 
Adelaide: You must get dressed, Horace. 
Horace : (Stretches his length on the couch). Can't you go 

without me? 
Adelaide: No, I can't, Horace, one widow at a dinner 

party is enough. 

(Horace is interested). 

I would have no chance at all competing against Mrs. 

Cuthbert — (In the mirror she watches the effect of her 

words on Horace, who doesn't realize she can see him). 
Horace (Disguises his pleasure, he yawns, he sits on the 

edge of the couch) : I suppose I'll have to endure the 

torture tonight. 

(He stretches). 

This acceptance ought to give us leeway for regrets 

next time. 

(He gets up with affected leisure). 

Is this a young crowd tonight? 
Adelaide: Not entirely — 

Horace: I thought since Mrs. Cuthbert was going — 
Adelaide: Oh, yes, Mrs. Baker said she had noticed how 

much the men enjoy Mrs. Cuthbert. 
Horace: Don't women like her? 
Adelaide: Well enough I guess — 
Horace : Funny how women act to each other — 
Adelaide (with feigned innocence): When the other 

woman is young, good looking and a widow — 
Horace : Yes. Adelaide, you're the only woman in this 



THE GOOSE 7 

town who has given Mrs. Cuthbert a square deal — 
she's lonesome. 

Adelaide (Jumps up) : Lonesome ! 

Horace: Yes, the women in general have given her a 
pretty cold shoulder. I'm proud of the way you've 
gone ahead disregarding unjust public opinion. That 
poor little girl has had an awful life — 
(Adelaide lifts her eyebrows). 

Her husband was a — a miserable rotter — Adelaide, 
she has had to put the bounder to bed many a time. 

Adelaide: Did he drink? 

Horace: Yes. She tried to shield him from his father, 
a hard old son-of-a-gun who threatened to disown 
Cuthbert if he didn't stop drinking. Mrs. Cuthbert 
put up with that for two years — 

Adelaide : You have the facts of the .ease, Horace — 

Horace: The poor little girl was so blue the last time 
she was here, she confided in me — 

Adelaide : I thought Mr. Cuthbert divorced her, that's 
the general impression. 

Horace : He did, the contemptible — schemed around 
until he turned the evidence against her, I never felt 
so sorry for any one. 

Adelaide : You must dress. 

(She leads him to the door left). 

Horace: Isn't it damnable, Adelaide, the law's rotten 
to the core, an innocent woman has no redress — she 
can be smirched — 

Adelaide: Your things are all laid out on the bed. 
(She pushes him through the door and closes it, she 
leans against the door, strokes her hair, goes to the dress- 
ing table, gazes at the reflection, she arranges the coi 
of her hair, looks at it in the hand mirror, takes it down 



8 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

tries another which also misses her approval, she goes to 

the door right) . 

Henrietta, Henrietta. 

Henrietta (Outside) : Yes, Miss Ad'laide. 

Adelaide: Can you leave the children for a minute? I 

want you to help me. 

(Henrietta, a colored nurse, enters right. Adelaide sits 

at the dressing table). 

You remember Mrs. Cuthbert, don't you, Henrietta? 
Henrietta: Little woman? Blon'? 

(Adelaide nods). 

Yes'm, I remembahs her allright. 
Adelaide: Did you notice her hair? 
Henrietta: Yes'm. (She laughs). Looped way down 

over her years, bangs in the front, standin' up on top. 

(Henrietta accompanies her description with appropri- 
ate gestures). 

You know what that Miz Cuthbe't r'minds me of, 

Miss Adelaide? 

(Adelaide shakes her head). 

A buff cochin hin, all feathers an' no meat. 
Adelaide (Laughs) : Help me do my hair like hers, Hen- 
rietta. 
Henrietta: Aw, now, Miss Ad'laide, honey, you don' 

wan' look — 
Adelaide : Yes I do. 
Henrietta: You don' wan' to cover up your nice white 

forehead; hit so intelligent. 
Adelaide: I don't want to appear intelligent tonight. 

Intelligence and dignity aren't the best of dinner 

assets. Intelligent and dignified women are always 

lonely at dinners. You make the knot — 
Henrietta : Laws, lawsy me, Miss Ad'laide I ain' fit for 



THE GOOSE 9 

nuthin' but tendin' the babies, I cain' — I don' know 
how to do up hair — 

Adelaide: Make a nice soft knot. 

Henrietta : (Does the best she can with frequent glances 
into the mirror to watch the effect). 
Excuse me. Miss Adelaide, you don' look like you- 
se'f — 

Adelaide : Good ! I don't want to — I think I need a 
change in my looks — 

Henrietta: Oh, no you is de — 

Adelaide: Henrietta, I've worn my hair that way so 
long. — If I let it hang I believe it would do itself in a 
coronet braid. — 

Henrietta: That a nice way to do up hair. Not every- 
body can do they hair that away. — Miz Cuthbe't 
she ain' got 'nough. 

Adelaide: Henrietta, she seems to have an abundance. 

Henrietta : Hit too short — 

Adelaide (Laughs) : Now, Henrietta, you must be prej- 
udiced. 

Henrietta: I reckon Henrietta knows when hair's 
fast on a haid — 

Adelaide: You must admit that Mrs. Cuthbert makes 
a good appearance, — she knows how to dress. 

Henrietta: Yassum, yassum, she know how to dress, 
that what I say, all feathe's. — Miz Cuthbe't, she's 
a woman I neve' could learn to care 'bout. 

Adelaide (Studies Henrietta's result in the hand mirror). 
To tell you the truth, Henrietta, I don't care much 
about her myself. — I wonder how she does that knot, 
it's shapely and firm, but soft, — pull it out a little 
more; I don't want it to look iron clad. 

Henrietta (Picks at the knot, she glances anxiously at 



10 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Adelaide): Miss Ad'laide, what you think mistah 
Simmons goin' say when he see you lookin' so — so 
kinda big haided — like? 

Adelaide: I'll put a net over it. — I don't suppose Mr. 
Simmons will like it. — At least I'll attract some at- 
tention to myself — if only to be criticized. 

Henrietta: Nobody goin' crit'cize you, honey — 

Adelaide: I don't mind, Henrietta, you know criticism 
means something — it's more complimentary than 
indifference, — (She puts on a hair net, reflecting the 
while). And easier to bear. — Oh, Henrietta, I never 
go to a dinner party that I don't wish I were small. 

Henrietta: Why, Miss Ad'laide, Honey, you is de bes' 
lookin' — 

Adelaide: A woman can be good looking and have no 
appeal. — I'd like to be small — really tiny. (She 
laughs tremulously). Small enough to dare be kit- 
tenish — 

Henrietta: Yes'm? (Henrietta does not understand). 

Adelaide: So much is expected of a big woman. For 
once in my life I'd like to look up to some one, there's 
no appeal in a level glance. It is returned by one 
equally level. I always miss that something infin- 
itely tender in the downward glance. — Dignity! A 
tall woman must not forget it for one moment — 
Any simple pated little numskull walks away — 

Henrietta: Yes'm, Miss Adelaide, dat's de truf. I've 
noticed dat 'bout men. Afte' all my th'ee husban's 
I learn men do be cu'ious folks. 

(Adelaide gets a bottle of liquid powder, a puff, a box of 
rouge and an eyebrow brush from the drawer. Henri- 
etta's eyes widen)* 



THE GOOSE 11 

I neve' see them things on you* table befo', Miss 
Ad'laide. 

Adelaide: No, you never have, Henrietta, you may 
never see them again either, depends on how this 
experiment works. 

(She shakes the boitle of liquid powder, applies it to her 
face, hands the puff to Henrietta, lowers her dressing 
gown). 

Be sure my skin is all covered. I must not have my 
own shade cropping out in unexpected places. 
(Henrietta applies the puff diligently. Adelaide ap- 
plies rouge to her right cheek). 
How's that? 

Henrietta (Shakes her head). You couldn' make you'- 
se'f look ugly, Miss Adelaide, but you suttinly don' 
look like you usually does. Wha' for you put on dat? 

Adelaide: I'm utterly lacking in color — 

Henrietta: Yo' nice white skin, jes' like a lily, better'n 
ol' painted — 

Adelaide: If it didn't have to compete with this, (she 
waves her hand toward the make-up) there might be 
hope for me. In a contest of real skin against real 
skin mine could stay in the running — . Oh, Hen- 
rietta, I'm afraid my colorless skin is like my charac- 
ter — look at this room, all cold, not a curve, no 
warmth. — I must be a little more vivid — 
(She puts the rouge on the other cheek, then covers the 
whole with a final dust of white powder). 
I'm as awkward as a duck at this business, anyone 
can see that. I'm new at it. — I do look different. 

Henrietta: Yes'm you does. 

Adelaide (Brushes the powder from her eyebrows). I 



12 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

couldn't do this more than twice a week, it takes too 

much time — 
Henrietta (Watches Adelaide struggle with a lip stick). 

Miss Ad'laide, honey, that too much bother; don* 

you use hit. 
Adelaide (Strokes her lips with determination). Tonight 

I'm trying an experiment, Henrietta. I can't do it by 

halves. I hope to be as other women are. 

(She rises, takes another look in the mirror, picks up 

the rouge box). 
Henrietta: You ain' goin' put no mo' on, is you? 
Adelaide: I must have plenty of color; I expect to wear 

— my gown is rather daring for me. I sha'n't wear 

white as usual, it makes me look larger than I really 

am. 

(She touches each cheek). 

Mrs. Cuthbert says a woman can wear any color if 

she puts on enough paint. 
Horace (Enters left; he is dressed in evening clothes). 

Are you ready, Adelaide? 
Adelaide: In a minute. Put these things away, Hen- 
rietta. 
Horace: Since we have to go, we don't want to be late. 
— How would it be for us to call for Mrs. Cuthbert? 
Adelaide (Hurrying to the door left) . We can drive past, 

she may be gone. 
Horace : I thought you'd be ready — 
Adelaide : I only have to slip into my dress and slippers. 

(Exit). 
Horace: That's just like a woman, Henrietta, hustled 

me like the dickens and isn't ready herself. 

(He strolls upstage, Henrietta has cleared away every 



THE GOOSE 13 

trace of make-up except the eyebrow brush and the liquid 

powder. Horace picks up the brush). 

What is this thing? 
Henrietta: Miss Ad'laide brush her eyebrows. 
Horace : (Rubs his finger over the bristles) : Anything on 

it? 
Henrietta : Mistuh Simmons, you think Miss Ad'laide 

got to put stuff on her nice, shiny eyebrows? 
Horace (Tosses the brush to the table, picks up the bottle 

of powder, reads the label and price) : Henrietta, what's 

— ? 

Henrietta : I specks that's face powda. 

Horace: A dollar seventy-five, that's a hold-up. 
There's probably a nickel's worth of chalk filled up 
with water. 

Henrietta: I reckon Miss Ad'laide am' goin' to pay a 
dollah semty-five for a nickel's worth — 

Horace: (Reads) Magical beautifier! Such bunk! 
She won't put any of that stuff on. (Henrietta con- 
ceals a smile behind her palm). It's a crime the lines 
that are put out to catch women's vanity. Poor 
fools, what do they think they gain? 

Henrietta: The noticin' of gen'lemans. 

(She watches the effect of her words on Horace). 

Horace: If the poor, misguided fools only knew what 
men think of paint and powder — 

Henrietta: Does de gen'lemans know when ladies is 
painted an' powdahed? 

Horace: Course they do, why Henrietta, I can tell a 
painted woman a block off. 

(Henrietta bends a keen glance on Horace, she puis the 
powder and eyebrow brush in the table drawer). 
There's something about the way they act that gives 



14 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

them away. I wouldn't have my wife — that's a 
thing I'll never have to worry about. 

Henrietta: No suh, Mistuh Simmons, no suh. 

Horace: I hate the whole artificial practise. I wouldn't 
take a step outside the door with my wife if she were 
painted. I'm lucky — 

Henrietta: Yas, suh, Mistuh Simmons, you is. 

Horace: When I see the frivolity and foolishness some 
men have to put up with I thank my lucky stars for 
my sensible wife. 

Adelaide (Steps just inside the door left. She is dressed in 
American Beauty taffeta, very extreme in cut) : Henri- 
etta, I can't reach one hook. 

(Henrietta crosses to fasten the hook, she shields Ade- 
laide from Horace, then hurries out right shaking her 
head ominously. Horace looks in the mirror, straight- 
ens his tie, Adelaide preens her puffs): How do you 
like me, Horace? 

Horace ( Turns) : Why ! why, Adelaide ! 
(He crosses the room staring at her). 
You — you wouldn't wear a — a red dress — 

Adelaide (Smiles) : No, — Horace — I wouldn't wear a 
red dress; this is American Beauty. 
(She pulls the puffs out over her hips; she advances 
around the couch awkwardly as one unaccustomed to 
high heels; she stops midstage and turns for inspection) : 
Do you like it? 

Horace (Brushes his hair from his forehead, he sits on the 
couch) : Adelaide, I — I can't bear to look at it — 

Adelaide: Why not, Horrie? 

Horace: Horrie! what possesses you to call me that 
silly — ? 

Adelaide : I thought you liked it. 



THE GOOSE 15 

Horace: I certainly don't. {He rises). Take it off, 
Adelaide. 

Adelaide : I don't want to — why don't you like it, 
Horrie? 

Horace: {Clinches his fist impatiently). It looks — it is 
tough — plain tough — 

Adelaide {Highly amused) : Horace Simmons ! 

Horace: It is — it's having an awful effect on you, 
too — 

Adelaide : I've only had it on about a minute — 

Horace: I've heard that bright colors affect the charac- 
ter — 

Adelaide: Surely it hasn't demoralized me so soon. 

Horace {Squints at her face): You never looked like this 
before — 

Adelaide: How do 1 look, Horrie? ^ 

Horace: Brazen! {He fairly explodes the word). That 
red reflects on your face — if I didn't know you would- 
n't do such a thing I'd say you were painted — 

Adelaide: Oh, no ? Horace! 

Horace : That was going a little strong, excuse me, Ade- 
laide, you are flushed — 

Adelaide: Indeed I'm not. — I'm surprised that you 
don't like the gown. I must have been mistaken in 
thinking you had developed a penchant for bright 
colors lately. 

Horace : You certainly were. — Put on something soft 
and white like you always wear — {Adelaide shakes 
her head) then you'll be yourself again, your own pure 
self. Adelaide, I'm almost convinced that clothes 
make the woman — 

Adelaide: It's late now, I'll wear this tonight, and never 
again — 



16 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Horace ( Tries gentleness) : Adelaide, darling, you are a 
mother, would you want our children to see you in an 
outfit — 

Adelaide : I won't let them see me, Henrietta is putting 
them to bed. 

Horace (Examines the dress) : Red ! — no back, why Ade- 
laide, you can't see how it is in the back, not two 
inches above your belt — 

Adelaide : But see how wide the belt is, Horrie, dear. 

Horace : Adelaide, Adelaide, take it off, the thing would 
send you to — I wouldn't let you wear it where any- 
one would see you for a thousand dollars — 

Adelaide: What's the matter with it, Horrie? 

Horace (Drops in the rocker) : The whole thing's off, the 
color — 

Adelaide : I lack color and warmth — 

Horace : The style of it, you never wear things running 
round — 

Adelaide: The cross panels take from my height, the 
puffs, too. 

Horace: I want you tall, tall and stately, you know I 
can't bear short women. 

Adelaide (Drops to the couch) : Horace Simmons ! (She 
taps a shapely French heeled slipper). 

Horace (Jumps up, staring at her feet). What have you 
got on your feet? 

Adelaide: Slippers, Horrie dear. I'm through with 
flat boats. I am not ashamed to stick, these out, see 
how shapely my foot is ! 

Horace: Those stockings! they're — they're vulgar — 

Adelaide: No, Horace, they aren't. Mrs. Cuthbert 
picked them out for me. She said you liked hers. 
Of course her feet are smaller — 



THE GOOSE 17 

Horace : (Again assumes a sanctimonious air) : Adelaide, 
my dear, you hold an exalted position in this com- 
munity, you are revered; I want our children to grow 
up knowing they have a mother whose — 

Adelaide (Rises) : Our children have a father — 

Horace: Yes, Adelaide would you lose that priceless 
possession, an unsullied — 

Adelaide: No, indeed, Horace, I sha'n't tarnish your 
name — 

Horace: Of course you wouldn't willingly; Adelaide, if 
you should go to the dinner looking like this — there 
are people who would be hurt, it would affect the 
whole town — 

Adelaide: You heap a big responsibility on my shoul- 
ders; I don't flatter myself that I'm important. 

Horace: Yes, a good woman, a woman above reproach 
is just that important; she's something men tie to. 
Don't you see the moral effect of such a character? 

Adelaide: She is a lonely woman, though, the woman 
on a pedestal. 

Horace: But think of her satisfaction — 

Adelaide : She gets little satisfaction wrapping her cloak 
of purity about her, while her lover — or her husband 
is entertained by the painted beauties — 

Horace: Adelaide, take that dress off, you've been cyn- 
ical twice tonight — 

Adelaide: I haven't time to change, we won't be able 
to call for Mrs. Cuthbert, Horrie dear. 

Horace: Adelaide, don't! take it off quick, if you wore 
it a whole evening, you'd go straight to the devil. 

Adelaide: I'd have a good time going — 

(Horace goes to her and starts to unhook her dress) : 



18 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Never mind, Horace; I'll take it off; for the good of 
the community I'll have to wear white — 

Horace: Thanks, Adelaide, I knew I could depend on 
you. 

Adelaide: Send Henrietta to help me. 

(Exit Horace. Adelaide sits on the end of the couch, 
she meditates with her head propped on her hand. 
Henrietta enters right) : Henrietta get my cream Georg- 
ette, — quick. 

(Henrietta hurries out the door left and returns with the 
dress, Adelaide looks down at the Taffeta). 
I'd like to wear this — 

Henrietta: Excuse me, Miss Ad'laide, somehow hit 
don' look like you. 

Adelaide : That's the reason I'd like to wear it. I won- 
der what the effect would be on other men. — I 
know exactly how Mrs. Cuthbert feels, Henrietta, 
I know the power — - 

Henrietta: You don' wan' ac' like Miz Cuthbe't — 

Adelaide : Perhaps not — it's a satisfaction to know I 
could, — if I tried. Don't worry, Henrietta; be- 
tween you and Mr. Simmons I'll never have a chance 
to test my wings — 

Henrietta: 01' Henrietta don' unnerstan' you tonight, 
honey, wha' for you wan' to wear a red dress — 

Adelaide : I've been lonely, Henrietta, we've had a col- 
orful personality in our midst. I began to wonder if 
I hadn't made a mistake to stick so faithfully to my 
husband's prescription for me; he seemed attracted — 

Henrietta : You don' need to think a f ummididdle little 
buff cochin goin' attrac' Mistuh Simmons — 

Adelaide: Oh, of course she couldn't permanently; 
a woman like that can make one very uncomfortable. 



THE GOOSE 19 

(Laughs). I heard of a professor once who insisted 

that his wife go in for dress reform. She did, and he 

eloped with a chorus girl. I didn't want that to 

happen in our family. 
Henrietta: No'm hit won't. Mistuh Simmons loves 

you too much to set 'fection on a blon'; oP Henrietta 

knows, she done hear him talk. Miss Ad'laide, 

honey, you go wash you' face. 
Adelaide: No, I — 
Henrietta : You know what you got on hit — Mistuh 

Simmons say he wouldn' take a step outside de doo' 

wid a painted woman — 
Adelaide : He'll never know — 
Henrietta : Oh, yes he will, he knows painted women a 

block off — 
Adelaide: They would have to be painted like barns, 

Henrietta, he sits beside Mrs. Cuthbert, and doesn't 

dream that — I shall wear the rouge and slippers, 

Henrietta — 
Henrietta: Why you wan' do things Mistuh Simmons 

don' like — ? 
Adelaide: I — I suppose I'm a goose, I read a silly 

squib — 
Henrietta : What dat you read — 
Adelaide: It's beneath my dignity to give it a moment's 

thought — (She rises and walks over to dressing table) . 
Henrietta (Follows her): What dat you read, you jes 

tell oP Henrietta, honey — 
Adelaide: I'm a fool, just a plain fool — (She laughs 

uncertainly). It said if a woman wanted to hold her 

husband's affection she'd better study and imitate 

the women who attracted him. 

(She sits on the bench). 



20 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Henrietta : Maybe tha's so, Miss Ad'laide, maybe tha's 

so — 
Adelaide: No, Henrietta, a man won't permit his wife 

to do the things he seems to admire in the women he 

plays with — he demands perfection ! 
Henrietta : He shore do, he shore do — 
Adelaide: Man is so far from perfect himself — 
Henrietta: Oh, lawdy yes, Miss Ad'laide. Good thing 

they is — nobody wan' a perfec' man aroun'. 
x\delaide (Rises and begins to unhook her dress): He 

would be hard to live with. I suppose the best of 

men must play — 
Henrietta (Puzzled): Yas'm? 
Adelaide : There are times — 
Henrietta: Lawdy yes, Miss Ad'laide, you knows Ise 

had a heap uv 'sperience havin' th'ee men, — deys 

times when all a ma'ied woman can do is " Watch an' 

pray." 
Adelaide (Laughs heartily, the tension is broken). 

I believe you're right, Henrietta. 
Henrietta: I knows Ise right, "Watch an' pray," — 

(Adelaide holds up the cream Georgette). 

Wid blon's, Miss Ad'laide, wid blon's I wouldn' trus' 

too much in prayer! 

CURTAIN 



THE TREND 



CHARACTERS: 

George Hedges, 

Nan Hedges, daughter of George, Arthur 
Mansfield. 

TIME: Impending, one Might Almost Say Imminent. 

PLACE: Hedgerton, a Model Factory Village. 



THE TREND 

The Scene — {The back of the stage is occupied by the front 
of George Hedge's comfortable brick cottage. A broad 
verandah runs across the entire front of the house, only 
the entrance door center is roofed. Large windows with 
curtains draped to the sides are on either side of the 
door. The house is one which could easily be copied and 
which has been copied by every workman in Hedgerton. 
A brick walk flanked by flower beds leads from the 
verandah to the street. 

As the curtain rises, a factory whistle blows; Nan 
Hedges comes from the house and looks off left. Nan is 
closely built like a trim little leghorn hen. Her brown 
hair curls softly over her forehead. She wears a fresh 
print dress cut fetchingly low in the neck and short of 
sleeve. Like the house, Nan's costume is copied by all 
the girls of Hedgerton. Nan sees someone coming down 
the street, she waves her hand in greeting, and in a mo- 
ment Arthur Mansfield enters. Arthur is rather slight 
though tall, he looks like an aristocrat in spite of the blue 
unionalls which he wears. He starts up the walk) . 

Nan : Oh ! you mustn't come in, Arthur — 

Arthur: I've made it; I can come in now — 

Nan: Don't, please don't — 

Arthur (Stops, skirts a flower bed and leans over the rail of 
the verandah) : I've broken the record, Nan dear, let 
me come up, just a minute. 

(He starts to vault over the rail, Nan pushes him back, 
he catches her shoulders and kisses her, she draws back) . 

Nan: You must not kiss me here, — the men might see 
you — and tell him. 



24 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Arthur : I have something to tell him and show him that 

gives me the right. Just one, Nannie — 
Nan (Looks anxiously down the street) : He might be 

coming. 
Arthur: You don't realize I've broken the record in 

nuts. — Your father has no other objection to me — 
Nan : I hope not. — He's very particular. 
Arthur : He said if I made good in this department — 
Nan : He was sure you couldn't — 
Arthur (Moves to leap again, Nan pushes him down): 

But I have — I caught 679 on the fly — 
Nan: 679! 
Arthur: Didn't miss a one. (Fumbles in his pocket, 

produces a slip) : Old Atchison signed it. 
Nan (Sits on the railing) : Quick ! 

(Arthur snatches a kiss). 
Arthur : If he asks for more than this he's a — a — 
Nan : Yes, he is a — a — 
Arthur : A — a tough old nut. 
Nan: That's just what he'll be — 
Arthur: I've done more than he asked for; he didn't 

say I had to break the record. 
Nan: He's so ambitious for me. — He likes you, dear, 

I know he does down deep in his heart. — He's afraid 

of — your blood. 
Arthur: That's it. (He kicks at the sod). Hang it all! 

Why couldn't my old boys have worked ! 
Nan : If you could find one or two — I believe he would 

be willing if one of them hadn't employed labor. 
Arthur: Your father says they were not oppressors. 

(He backs against the rail, looks the picture of despair). 

Only a few years ago he would have been tickled to 

death to have a daughter marry a Mansfield. 



THE TREND 25 

Nan: That's so. Times have changed. Labor has 
come into its own. {Coyly). Now the Mansfield 
would be tickled to death to — 

Arthur (Whirls and catches her hand) : You bet he would 
be. The Mansfield would be tickled to death to 
marry George Hedge's daughter. (Clings to her 
hand): Sweetheart, can he hold out against this? 
(Taps his paper). 

Nan : I don't see how he can. (She draws away and looks 
at Arthur critically) The trouble is you still look like 
an aristocrat. 

Arthur: How can I? 

Nan: It's in you. 

Arthur: If anything could make a man look like every 
other man in the factory it's these unionalls. 

Nan: They don't disguise you. Clothes don't seem to 
make much difference with you. It's the way you 
hold your head up — 
(Arthur hangs his head). 

Don't — That's why I like you, Artie dear; it's 
against you with dad, though. He says you look and 
talk and act like all the rest of the Mansfields. Your 
hands are soft — 

Arthur: Look at that, Nan Hedges, they're callous to 
the bone from those (Swallows an oath) nuts. 

Nan : I know, dear. It's a shame. You don't belong in 
twenty-seven; you belong where my dad is. 

Arthur: He put me in the hardest, most humiliating 
place in the factory. Sometimes I think I'll blow 
up if I see another bolt coming. — That's just the 
time old Atchison shoves 'em along on the double 
quick — he knows when I'm at the bustin' point — 

Nan : Dad's put him up to that, he's told him to crowd 



26 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

you because you were doing too well. He was sure 

you couldn't make good. 
Arthur : I have, though. If I get you every nut in the 

whole darn factory's worth it. 
Nan : Oh, if we can only make him see — you must run 

along, he'll be coming. 
Arthur: I want to see him; guess I'll stay. 
Nan: No, no — it would make him so mad. He thinks 

I haven't seen you. He would be furious to find you 

here. 
Arthur: I'll go home and come right back. I want to 

give him a slant at this — (Flips his record) : What 

more could he ask of me? 
Nan: I wish your hands weren't quite so white. 
Arthur: (Wrings his hands) I'll soak 'em in grease — 
Nan: It takes generations to make hands horny. 
Arthur (Stoops and rubs his hands in the flower bed) : 

How's that? 
Nan: Fine! 

Arthur (Looks at his unionalls): Am I too clean? 
Nan: I've seen dirtier men. 
Arthur: I'll touch myself up with axel grease before I 

come back. Anything else? 
Nan: Bring some laboring ancestors. (She steps down 

to the walk) : You must go, dear. 
Arthur: I've got that woman on my mother's line — 
Nan: Can she do anything? 
Arthur: She has good recommendations. One says 

she used to scare up more famous ancestors for the 

Daughters of the American Revolution than they 

knew what to do with. If she is just abreast of the 

times and knows her job I may find some blood to be 

proud of too. I'm going to have you in spite of my 



THE TREND 27 

miserable old ancestors. (He puts his arm around 

Nan). 
Nan (Shakes him aside): You must run on. He may 

slip up on us. 
Arthur : I'll be right back, anything else I should do — 
Nan: Just run now. 

(Arthur starts off right) . 

Look rough and talk tough — 
Arthur (Laughs): That's it, be rough; act tough. 

(A door slams). 
Nan: Hurry, hurry. He's in the garage — 

(Arthur runs off right as George Hedges is heard coming 

through the house, he catches Nan at the end of the walk, 

she is looking off right). 
George (George Hedges is tall, gaunt, with iron gray hair 

which he wears rather, long. His piercing gray eyes 

are overhung by heavy brows. His face is cut after a 

determined pattern) : What you lookin' at? 
Nan : Nothing — I 
George: Thought I heard you talkin' to some one. 

(Nan moves up the walk). 

Has that young Mansfield scalawag been up here? 

(He points to the chairs). 
Nan (On the steps) : No, he hasn't been up here — 
George : He's not comin' either — 
Nan: Not even if he makes good in twenty-seven? 
George: Can that change his blood? 

(Nan sits in the rocker left where she can command the 

right entrance.) 

(George looks at Nan with mingled disgust and fondness) . 

Why couldn't you take up with some of the young 

fellers that are your equal? 
Nan: I don't know, father. 



28 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

George: Father! don't call me father, sounds like him 
and his folks — 

Nan: I didn't mean it dad, it just slipped out. 

George: Don't you forget who you are. You got a lot 
to live up to. How'd it sound if any of the men heard 
the foreman's girl callin' him that. They'd suspect 
me — they'd think I'm not faithful to the oath. 

Nan: Sit down, dad; I'll be careful. 

George (Sits) : You mustn't forget your place and your 
— your — all you got to live up to. If the president of 
the Brotherhood ain't true to the colors, who will be? 

Nan : Nobody can accuse you of not being true — 

George : No, and they won't have the chance. — Unless 
you go back on your old dad, Nannie. 

Nan (Rocks nervously, her father's softened tone is harder 
to resist than his bluster) : I won't. 

George: Think what we got here in Hedgerton. Every 
man with stock in the factory, drawin' out dividends 
'stead o' wages! You women all stay at home, the 
childern go to school, nobody's got more'n anybody 
else. George Hedge's childern live in just as good a 
house as Ed Mansfield's. You don't want to ruin 
it, do you? 

Nan: No, dad, course I don't; what makes you think 
I do? 

George: You'd marry Art Mansfield. 

Nan : Yes, but — 

George : He's against us — 

Nan: He is not. 

George: You know what he comes from. 

Nan : Didn't he put on unionalls like the rest of you, and 
go into the worst department of the factory? 

George (Reluctantly): Yes — 



THE TREND 29 

Nan: Your own boys wouldn't work there, they said so. 
— You told him if he made good in twenty-seven — 

George: Well — course — I'm sure that'll down him — 

Nan: What if he should make it? 

George: Dang it! Nan, you know it's the blood I'm 
afraid of. I want Hedgerton to stand. The only 
way to make it stay and keep it goin' is to look out 
for the future. You can't tell when Art Mansfield'll 
turn back to the ways of his folks. He might not 
himself, but his childern might or his childern's 
childern. Them taints is likely to crop out as far as 
the third or fourth generation. You'd feel awful bad 
when you're an old woman if your boy should throw 
down all this, all your old dad worked so hard to 
build up. You got pure blood in your veins, Nannie; 
as far back as you want to go you won't find a single 
taint o' aristocracy. Your great great grandpa 
Hedges worked in the tin mines o' Cornwall, and every 
Hedges since him's been a workin' man. That's 
what you want to think of 'stead o' mixin' with folks 
beneath you, folks that's been waited on all their 
lives — 

Nan : Arthur hasn't been waited on. (She jumps up and 
confronts her father) : Didn't his father give up every- 
thing to you and the men when he was little? 

George: Yes, his pa was the best one of 'em. 

Nan: You used to brag about how you worked at the 
same bench with Ed Mansfield. — You was proud to 
have Arthur come here until just lately. — You have 
nothing against him. — 

George: Nothin' against him personally. It won't do 
to mix with that — that — 

Nan: Say it dad. — You mean class; you won't say it 



30 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

because the aristocrats used to say it. — If you don't 
look out, you're goin' to make the same mistakes they 
made. — You're discriminating against a class right 
now — . 
George (Rises, but cowers under Nan's denunciation): 
No, no, Nannie, don't say that, you know the oath. 
I want to live up to it — 
Nan : Arthur Mansfield belongs to the Brotherhood — 
George: Yes, it's that I'm not sure of him. I'm afraid 

Nan: He could find work some place else if he didn't 
believe in the Brotherhood. (She pushes her father 
into his chair and sits on the arm): Oh, dad he's 
worked so hard. (She looks over her shoulder fre- 
quently toward the right entrance). 

George : If I didn't know all that's back of him — 

Nan: He works and his father worked until it killed 
him — 

George : Back of that every one of 'em had white hands ; 
other men done the work they ought to 'a done. 
You know how he looked 'em up and couldn't find a 
one, not a single man that hadn't employed labor. 
It's bred in every bone of him — 

Nan: We don't know about his mother, she died when he 
was so little. Maybe she come from the right stock — 

George: I got my doubts. Ed Mansfield's pa would 'a' 
looked out for her — 

Nan: All the women say she knew how to work — 

George: They mean she knew how to have work done 
for her — 

Nan: No, Angy Blevin says she got right down on her 
hands and knees and scrubbed under the stove where 
Angy'd neglected it — 



THE TREND 31 

George: She might a' done that once. I mind how she 
come here when her and Ed was married, all fine 
clothes and fine airs — 

Nan: Sam Atchison told me he'd never had a better 
worker than Arthur in twenty-seven, he's got to get 
it from somewhere. If he could find one or two on 
his mother's side — 

(She looks over her shoulder and sees Arthur approach- 
ing, rises and steps behind her father, pantomimes 
Arthur to stay back, Arthur waves a long envelope). 

George (Unaware of Arthur s approach) : If he could dig 
up a few on her side, there might be some hope for 
him providin' of course he makes good in the nuts. 
(He slaps his knee and chuckles to himself. Arthur 
creeps up, rubs his hands in the flower bed, shakes a 
little dust over his begrimed clothes, he' slips back to the 
entrance whence he calls). 

Arthur: Hello, Nannie. 

George: What you do'n here, young feller? 

(George rises and .steps to the edge of the porch, Nan is 
apprehensive). 

Arthur: I've come to report, Mr. Hedges. (He extends 
his hand). 

George : It's too darn white — 

Nan: Oh, no, look at it. 

George (Looks at Arthur's hand): It's soft, then; — I 
can't stomach a soft hand. 

(Arthur displays his callouses; Nan steps beside her 
father). 

Go on in the house, Nan. 
(Nan hesitates). 

Arthur : I believe I can handle this, Nan. 

Nan (With an appealing look at her father, ivhich he does 



32 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

not see, turns to go, pauses at the door): Rough and 
tough. 

George: What'd y' mean rough and tough? 
(A 7 an hurries into the house). 

George (Plants himself on the top step, Arthur stands 
below him and a little to the right. There is a moment 
of appraising silence) : So you think you can handle 
me, young feller. 

Arthur : I meant I could handle the situation, sir — 

George: Don't sir me, I'm George Hedges. Aint you 
a member of the Brotherhood? 

Arthur : Yes, sir. ( Nan in the doorway frantically signs 
to him). 

George: You know what to call me; there ain't no 
"sirs" in Hedgerton — 

Arthur : Excuse me — George, I forgot for the moment. 

George: No, you didn't forget, you just can't help it; 
it's in you. It will crop out. — Go ahead (he chuckles) 
handle your situation. (Chuckles again). 

Arthur: Three weeks ago you told me if I could make 
good in twenty-seven you would consider my pro- 
posal to marry your daughter. 

George: Yes. 

Arthur: Will you look at that? 

(Hands his record to George, who looks at the paper, he 
seems suddenly weak, he leans against the porch col- 
umn, he squints at the paper and then at Arthur). 

George: Wliat's this mean? 

Arthur: It means that I adjusted 679 nuts on 679 bolts 
as they passed me. 

George: When? 

Arthur: Today. 

George: You mean to tell me that? 



THE TREND 33 

Arthur: The record shows it. 

George: You tell me you screwed 679 nuts on 679 flyin' 

bolts and expect me to swallow it? 
Arthur : Yes, — s — George. 
George (Laughs): You better tell that to the little 

boys — 
Arthur: Your foreman signed my record — You can 

find the bolts in twenty-seven. 
George : It ain't never been done — 
Arthur: Yes it has, George Hedges, there's the proof, 

signed by Sam Atchison. 

(He starts up the steps). 
George: Stay down there, I got to think. 

(He draws the chair near the edge of the porch, Arthur 

waits at the foot of the steps, Nan appears in the door- 
way; at length George speaks) . 

I admit you done well, Art Mansfield. 
Arthur: Thank — you. 
George: I didn't think you could. (He looks at the 

record): That's Sam's hand writin'; I told him to 

crowd you hard — 
Arthur: He did. 
George (Rises, Nan ducks out of sight, George walks to 

the end of the porch and hack) : I thought I had you. — 

I didn't think you'd do it — 
Arthur (Starts up again) : I did, though. If you have 

no other objection — 
George: Hold on. — There's other things. The real 

thing I got agin you is your blood. You come from 

a long line of aristocrats. 
Arthur: I've proved to you that I can work, that I'm 

willing to and can make good at it. You put me in 

the most menial department of the factory; I've 



34. LIGHT WEIGHTS 

broken the record. Doesn't that wipe out some of 
the blood stain? 

George (Walking up and down) : Maybe for now; how 
do I know it's goin' to last. You're a leader; all 
your ancestors was leaders; how do I know you ain't 
here to tear down all I built up? 

Arthur: I'm not interested in your position, I'm inter- 
ested in your daughter. — You set this stake for me and 
I've reached it fairly and squarely. You go back on 
your bargain and object to my blood and ancestry. 
Isn't that making class distinction — 

George: Don't say that; Nan said that, too. 

Arthur: You command me to stay down here beneath 
you; — you would like to keep me here, simply be- 
cause I am descended from a class you used to hate. 
You swore to tolerate no class distinction in the oath 
of the Brotherhood. 
(Mounts the steps). 

I've regarded your wishes in everything; I've sub- 
mitted to your humiliations, but I won't be discrimi- 
nated against. I belong to the Brotherhood; by 
the oath you owe consideration to me. You have 
beaten the aristocrats at their own game, you haven't 
stopped where they stopped, you are an autocrat, 
George Hedges. 

George (Backs down the porch, raises a limp hand): 
Just a minute Art — I — I — don't call me an auto- 
crat, I — I want Hedgerton to stand — 

Arthur: You are more of an autocrat than my father 
ever dreamed of being. You call yourself a foreman, 
but you are just as much the president ,as my grand- 
father. You think because you wear unionalls like 
the men — 



THE TREND 35 

(George drops into a chair). 

Nothing can be done here without your sanction. If 

you want this town to stand you've got to give us 

more liberty. You talk about the factory belonging 

to the men; it is only a profit-sharing institution like 

my father suggested. You've even named the town 

for yourself — 
George : The boys done that, Art, you helped — 
Arthur: Yes; I thought you — 

(He falls back suddenly abashed by his temerity) . 

I didn't come here to denounce you, sir, I came to ask 

for Nan. 
George (Bows his head in his hand) : I was thinkin' of 

Hedgerton, I ain't got much against you — 
Arthur : Do you really believe a man, has the right to 

what he works for? 
George (Stiffens instantly, Arthur has hit on his pet 

hobby) : Yes, by thunder, that's all I do believe. 
Arthur: I don't ask for the machines I have helped to 

produce. (He goes to the door and draws Nan 

out). 

I ask for Nan, because I love her — 

(Steps to George's chair). 

She is my desire, I want her just as you wanted your 

rights in the old days. 

(George rises, with difficulty controls himself). 

By the oath you swore to observe I've won her. Can 

you deny it? 
George ( Turns his back) : Let me think. — I guess 

you've beat me — 

(Nan runs to her father, throws her arms around his 

neck) . 



36 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Arthur (Grasps George's hand as he turns) : Thank you, 
sir. (Pulls his handkerchief out of his pocket to mop 
his brow and drops the long envelope.) 
Hello; I forgot this. 
(Hands the envelope to George). 

George (Draws out the paper, looks at it, puzzles) : What 
is the dang thing? 

Arthur: My mother's family tree. You have com- 
plained of my impure blood. Look at this. (Points 
along the different lines.) : I wanted to win Nan on my 
own, if I could. To tell the truth, I forgot I had this, 
I got a bit excited. Here's my mother, married to 
Edward Mansfield. Her father and mother come in 
here. They lived in Pittsburgh. My grandmother's 
father comes next, he was a glass blower, his wife, 
Nancy Arthur, that's where I get my name, was a 
waitress in the restaurant — 

George: What's that? 

Arthur: They, my great grandfather and grandmother 
were a glass blower and a waitress — 

George: Just a minute, Art, let me get that. Your 
great grandpa and ma was working folks — 

Arthur: I guess rather, you know what glass blowing 
is — 

George : Where'd you get this ! 

Arthur: I had it traced back; it's my mother's line. 
I wanted to find some good blood somewhere. I'm 
proud of this — 

George: I thought you had it in you somewhere. 
(Nan almost collapses at that). 
Folks said your ma could work. 
(Speculates to himself). 



THE TREND 37 

That'll make 'em three-fourths pure. — Three-fourths 
to the good'll soon down that bad fourth. 
{He turns and puts Nan's hand in Arthur's as the cur- 
tain falls) . 

CURTAIN 



TWO'S COMPANY 



CHARACTERS: 

Mr. Henry Higgins 
Mrs. Higgins 
Flossie Gates 
Minnie Downing 
Joe Higgins 
Lisette 

TIME: Summer 1919. 
PLACE: Higginsville. 



TWO'S COMPANY 

(A play in one act) 

Scene — The Dining Room of the Higgins Home. 
(A drop leaf dining table is pushed against the right wall 
and at the right of the door, which leads to the kitchen. 
A cupboard of dishes stands at the left of the door. On 
the cupboard is a band box. A sewing machine stands 
between two eight paned windows at the back. A wire 
rack of house plants is drawn in front of a window at 
the right of a door in the left wall. A clock is on the 
mantel at the left of the door. A rocker and four 
straight chairs complete the furnishings. A service flag 
hangs in one of the windows). 

(As the curtain rises, Mr. Higgins, ja gray haired man 
with a short beard and dressed in gray striped trousers 
with a black and white percale shirt open at the neck, 
stands on a kitchen chair sounding the wall over the 
machine with a hammer. Mrs. Higgins is a plump, 
comfortable looking woman in a light print house dress 
and blue checked gingham apron. Her hair is parted 
precisely in the middle. Both Mr. and Mrs. Higgins 
wear spectacles; Mrs. Higgirts are pushed up on her 
head. Mrs. Higgins holds an enlarged picture; paper 
wrappers lie about). 

Mrs. Higgins: It's got to hang in the middle, Henry. 
Mr. Higgins (continuing to tap the wall) : Got to have 

something solid to drive into. — Don't want our Joe 

to fall down. There she is. 

(He keeps his hammer on the spot). 

How's that? 
Mrs. Higgins (Looks intently): Looks like the &r-aet 



42 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

center. Let's be sure. Wait a minute. (She runs 

out the door right). 
Mr. Higgins (Calls) : It's got to go here, Marthy. 

(Mrs. Higgins returns carrying a broom. She meas- 
ures it with a cord which she folds to find the center) . 
Mrs. Higgins : I can't find the yard stick. Let me see — 

(She measures the wall with her finger on the center of 

the broom). 
Mr. Higgins: Can't go anywhere's else. 
Mrs. Higgins : I wanted to be sure it was right. (She 

stands the broom inside the kitchen). 
Mr. Higgins: Can't hold this all day. 
Mrs. Higgins: That's the right place. The e.x*-act 

center. 

(Mr. Higgins drives the nail, Mrs. Higgins hands the 

enlarged picture of a soldier to him, he hangs it. Mr. 

Higgins steps down from the ladder, he moves the chair 

aside and surveys the picture). 
Mrs. Higgins (straightening the corner of the picture): 

Aint he beautiful? 
Mr. Higgins: Sure is. 
Mrs. Higgins: No wonder the girls 're all foolish about 

him. 

(Mr. Higgins puts the hammer outside the door right). 
Mr. Higgins : Saw Flossie Gates today. 
Mrs. Higgins (Anxiously): Was she wearin' it? 
Mr. Higgins : Square over her heart. 
Mrs. Higgins : Oh, distress ! 

(She flecks imaginary dust from the picture frame. Mr. 

Higgins picks up a paper and sits in a straight chair 

and adjusts an extra pair of ten cent store glasses) . 
Mr. Higgins: She asked when Joe was comin' home. 
Mrs. Higgins: What did you tell her? 



TWO'S COMPANY 43 

Mr. Higgins: Said we didn't know oc-actly. 

Mrs. Higgins: Which we don't — that is we don't know 
the day and hour. — I wouldn't be surprised to have 
him walk in any minute. (She gazes at the picture) : 
I was so afraid it wouldn't get back before he come. 
(She moves the picture a fraction of an inch to the right) : 
It's ail right not to tell everything you know. We 
don't want them girls here when he comes. 

Mr. Higgins (over his paper): Say not! 

Mrs. Higgins (Climbs up on the kitchen chair. She holds 
up a silk handkerchief over the picture; she reads labo- 
riously) : Suvenir — de — Lor — raine. That's what 
it looks like. (She drapes the handkerchief over the 
picture): Look, Henry, aint that pretty? 

Mr. Higgins (removing extra spectacles surveys the addi- 
tion to the picture) : Durned if it aint; 

Mrs. Higgins (fingering and flecking the silk) : Bless his 
heart always thinking 'bout his mother even way off 
in France. Just think, pa, Joe can talk French now. 

Mr. Higgins: Yep, and by gol! Marthy, I bet he learned 
it from French girls. 

Mrs. Higgins (Climbs down from the chair) : Shouldn't 
wonder. (She looks at the picture) : He has a way with 
him for girls — and I expect French girls is no differ- 
ent from other girls. (She puts the chair in the kit- 
chen) . 

Mr. Higgins: Minnie Downing run out to ask about 
Joe, too. 

Mrs. Higgins: Did she have hers on? 

Mr. Higgins : Yep — same place. 

Mrs. Higgins (pleating her apron nervously): Distress 
on them — both of them. 
(Mr. Higgins resumes his reading, swaying back and 



44 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

forth on the rear legs of his chair. Mrs. Higgins picks 
up the papers which she folds. She stops and fans her- 
self with them). 

Mrs. Higgins (timidly) : Henry — 

(Mr. Higgins takes off the extra glasses and looks up). 

Mrs. Higgins: Do you s'pose Joe (She looks at the pic- 
ture) give 'em to both of the girls? 

Mr. Higgins (Drops the front legs of his chair to the floor 
with a snap): N-a-w; bought them theirselves. 

Mrs. Higgins (winding the cord in a tight ball) : Mattie 
Baxter says they carried on something terrible at the 
lawn social after we come home. Minnie accused 
Flossie of buyin' hers and Flossie accused Minnie — 

Mr. Higgins: They're both right, I bet. Joe never give 
ither one of 'em a serious thought. 

Mrs. Higgins: I hope not; I'd hate to see him marry 
ither one of 'em. 

Mr. Higgins: Joe, he never thought about gettin' mar- 
ried. He just liked to have a good time with the girls. 

Mrs. Higgins : He never seemed to be goin' steady with 
ither of 'em. — I'm 'fraid Joe's like his daddy — 

Mr. Higgins (Laughs a trifle sheepishly, from behind his 
paper. He says) : Joe beats his daddy ; — I never had 
two girls wearin' service pins for me at the same time 

Mrs.Higgins (Puts the ball of cord in a machine drawer) — 
There weren't a war then. (She teases him): Joe's 
daddy didn't have two girls makin' lovers' knot quilts 
at the same time — 

Mr. Higgins: Now Mar thy ; — (He turns the pages of his 
paper; then as if inspired he says): Say, Marthy, 
Joe's daddy didn't marry ither of them girls that 
made the quilts — did he? 



TWO'S COMPANY 45 

Mrs. Higgins : No, — no, he didn't — 

Mr. Higgins: Joe'll be the same way; — he aint goin' 
to come clear home from France and be contented 
with Minnie Downing or Flossie Gates, ither one. — 
Minnie's too much like molasses, and Flossie's too 
much like vinegar. Joe'll want — 

Mrs. Higgins: It aint that I think Joe'll want them; 
it's their both wantin' him. Joe never could stand a 
lot of palaver like Minnie gives a body; — he wouldn't 
want snappin' ither. I aint worried 'bout Joe wantin' 
them; — same time they could make him a lot of 
trouble. — It would be just like Flossie to try to sue 
him; — she'd know how to do it Flossie would; — 
she's just smart enough to — 

Mr. Higgins: Don't worry 'bout 'em. Give 'em rope 
enough and they'll hang theirselves 'f— 

Mrs. Higgins: Hope so. (She goes to the window left 
and turns the plants to the sun) : They're both temper- 
ish; Minnie in her way and Flossie in hers. Flossie 
would be a good housekeeper but she'd lead him a 
dog's life with her snappin' ways. — Minnie'd have 
him a fetchin' and totin' for her all the time. Her 
ma has waited on her all her life, hand and foot she's 
waited on her. — Ruined her for bein' any body's wife. 

Mr. Higgins : Don't you worry, — nuther of 'em won't 
be Joe's wife — 

Mrs. Higgins (Picks dead leaves from the plants. She 
wipes the window sill with her apron. She peers out the 
window) : Who's that comin' up the walk? 

Mr. Higgins (Snatches off his glasses as he goes to the 
window and looks over Mrs. Higgins' shoulder) : Andy 
Gates, from the depot — 

Mrs. Higgins : He's got a yellow en-vel-ope — 



46 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Me. Higgins: A telegram! 

Mks. Higgins: From Joe — (She sits in the rocker. She 
leans back limp) : he's dead, Henry — (There is a rap 
at the door). 

Mr. Higgins (Opens the door and takes the telegram. His 
hand shakes). Give it here, Andy. 

Andy Gates: Glad Joe's comin' home, Mr. Higgins. 
Could 'a called you over the phone, but I thought 
you'd like to keep the message. It's awful late; 
been held up somewhere. 

Mrs. Higgins (Straightens up at the tvords. She pulls her 
spectacles down) : Give it to me. (She looks at the 
address on the envelope): Yes, that's Joe's writing. 
(She fondles the message). 

Mr. Higgins (Still a little shaky) : Read the inside, see 
what he says — 

Mrs. Higgins (Fumbles in getting the message out of the 
envelope. She reads the telegram; then reads aloud): 
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Higgins — it's to me, too — 
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Higgins, Higginsville, S. D. 
Home 5.30 p. m. Big surprise. Joe. (She smooths 
the paper and looks at it again. Mr. Higgins waits 
expectantly). 

Mrs. Higgins: That's what he says, "Home 5.30 
P. M." 

Mr. Higgins: When was that wrote? 

Mrs. Higgins: How do I know? 

Mr. Higgins: Don't it say, aint it got a date? (He 
bends over his wife): Here 'tis, June twenty-fourth, 
that's today, today's June twenty -fourth. 

Mrs. Higgins (Looks at her husband and says raptu- 
rously): Henry, our baby's comin' home! (She cries 
for joy in the corner of her apron). 



TWO'S COMPANY 47 

Mr. Higgins {Takes the telegram and mutters) : " Mr. and 
Mrs. Henry Higgins, Higginsville, S. D. Home 5.30 
P. M. Big surprise. Joe." Yes, Marthy, he's 
comin' home. 

Mrs. Higgins (Rises): Give me the telegram. I'll 
stick it in here now. (She goes to the picture and 
starts to put the telegram in the frame) . 

Mr. Higgins: Let me do it, Marthy. (Mr. Higgins 
sticks the telegram in the frame of Joe's picture) . 

Mrs, Higgins: Just as soon as I have time, I'll put it 
under the glass, so it won't get dirty. (She looks at 
the clock) : Lawsy, me, Henry, it's most four now, and 
my baby '11 soon be here. Make me a fire in the cook 
stove. — I can't get a decent meal on coal oil. 
(Mr. Higgins starts out). 

Mrs. Higgins: Wring that rooster Vneck, too. 

(Mr. Higgins goes to the kitchen; sounds of splitting 
kindling are heard). 

(Mrs. Higgins with raised voice): Would you pull it 
out? (She puts up the leaf of the table). 

Mr. Higgins (Comes to the door) : B'lieve I would. Joe 
aint ex-actly comp'ny — 

Mrs. Higgins (pulling the table out): We'll have never 
no better nor no grander comp'ny than our baby home 
from France. — I guess I'll put on a white table cloth 
and get out the solid silver teaspoons. 
(She takes a white table cloth from the cupboard, spreads 
it on the table, smooths out the xorinkles with greatest 
care and gets out a roll of spoons, also a chamois skin. 
She goes over to the picture) : My baby almost beat you. 
(She smooths the telegram): Bless his heart. (She 
hurries back to the cupboard. Mr. Higgins tiptoes in). 

Mr. Higgins (cautiously) : Marthy — 



48 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Mrs. Higgins: The biggest one of them young roosters 
we penned — 

Mr. Higgins : Flossie Gates is comin' — 

Mrs. Higgins: Oh, distress on her! Where is she? 

Mr. Higgins : Goin' round front — 

Mrs. Higgins: I won't go to the door — 

Mr. Higgins {Peers around the plants): I b'lieve I see 
Minnie down the street — 

Mrs. Higgins: I won't go to the door; I will not have 
them here when my baby comes — 
(There is a rap at the door. Mr. Higgins tiptoes across 
the room with great strides. Mrs. Higgins stands near 
the cupboard; she holds her breath. The rapping becomes 
more insistent. The door opens and Flossie Gates, a 
rather small girl with sharp black eyes enters. She 
wears a black taffeta skirt and red georgette waist. She 
has a sweetheart service pin over her heart, as Mr. 
Higgins said. Mrs. Higgins starts out the door right, 
Mr. Higgins is ahead of her) . 

Flossie Gates: Howdy, Mrs. Higgins. 

Mrs. Higgins (pausing in the door-way says coolly): 
Howdy, Flossie Gates. (To Mr. Higgins): Henry, 
don't you leave me. (Mr. Higgins comes back to the 
door). 

Mr. Higgins: Marthy, I better get that rooster — 

Mrs. Higgins (Commands) : Henry, don't you leave me. 

Flossie Gates : Andy phoned me as soon as the message 
come, and I jumped into my clothes and come right 
over. (She spies the picture, she goes over to look at it) : 
W 7 hen did it come? 

Mrs. Higgins: Today. 

Flossie: Grand! aint it? — Just like him. — Here's the 



TWOS COMPANY 49 

telegram. (She stands on tiptoe to read it) : What you 

s'pose his big surprise is? 

(Mrs. Higgins takes the spoons out of their case). 
Mr. Higgins (from the doorway) : Joe was always wantin' 

to surprise somebody. 

(Another rap at the door). 
Mr. Higgins: There she is (appealingly) : Marthy, I 

better get that rooster — 
Mrs. Higgins (sternly): Henry, don't you leave me. 

(She opens the door) : Howdy, Minnie. 

(Minnie, a flaxen haired, simpering, languishing type, 

dressed in light blue with large hat, enters. Minnie 

also wears a sweetheart service pin over her heart). 
Minnie : Oh, mother Higgins. (She tries to embrace Mrs. 

Higgins who draws away) : and father Higgins. (Min- 
nie trips over to Mr. Higgins and shakes hands with 

him) . 
Flossie: Simp! 

(Chained lightning flashes between the girls) . 
Minnie: O-o-h — , 
Flossie (Snaps): Yes! 

(Minnie removes her heart, she lays it and her bag on 

the machine). 
Mr. Higgins: Marthy, I got to get that rooster. 

(He escapes. Minnie discovers the picture, she gazes 

at it). 
Minnie: Oh, mother Higgins, isn't he wonderful? It's 

too dear with that souvenir he sent you — oh, and his 

telegram — 

(Flossie meanwhile sits in the rocker; she punctuates 

each of Minnie's periods with expressive sniffs. Mrs. 

Higgins rubs the spoons with the chamois skin, before 

she puts them in the spoon holder). 



50 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

How sweet to put in the frame — 

(Flossie shows extreme disgust. Minnie reads). 

Home 5.30. Big surprise. - Isn't that just like Joey? 

Mrs. Higgins what do you suppose his big surprise is? 
Mrs. Higgins: I don't know; he was always wanting 

to surprise somebody. 
Minnie: Yes, he was. I knew he would slip in on us — 

I have been expecting him every day since they landed 

Flossie: Had to be mustered out. 
(Minnie ignoring Flossie). 

Minnie: I was so afraid I wouldn't get my dress finished. 
(She looks at her dress with satisfaction) : I was sewing 
on the last hook when I heard he was coming. 

Flossie (aside) : Like to know how she heard it. 

Minnie (Goes to the table) : Let me help, dear Mrs. Hig- 
gins. I'll set the table — 

Mrs. Higgins: No, I'll set it — 

Minnie: Please let me set the table for Joe. (Shegoes 
to the cupboard): How many places shall I put on? 

Mrs. Higgins (from the kitchen door way) : Three. 

Flossie (Bends over with laughter) : Good e — nough ! 

Minnie ( Takes three plates from the cupboard, places them 
on the table, slips something under one plate). This 
is to be Joey's place — 

Flossie : Gosh — she makes me sick ! 

Mrs. Higgins (Gets a vegetable dish from the cupboard, 
she stands with it resting against the table). I just got 
to have some sugar for my cherry pie. S'pose you 
could get me some, Minnie. 

Minnie : Certainly, dear. (She looks at her watch) : I won't 
have time to go to town and get back — I must be 
here to meet Joey — I'll telephone for it. 



TWO'S COMPANY 51 

Mrs. Higgins: I don't like to ask 'ern to bring just 
sugar — 

Minnie: They won't mind — where is the telephone? 

Mrs. Higgins: In the kitchen. (She sighs deeply as 
Minnie goes into the kitchen): Flossie, has your ma 
got plenty of eggs now? 

Flossie: Think she has. 

Mrs. Higgins: Could you get me a couple, I need a 
couple — - 

Flossie: Sure — {She rises, Mrs. Higgins looks relieved) : 
I'll call the kid and tell him to bring them over. 
(Mrs. Higgins sets the dishes on the table as Flossie 
exits left. Mrs. Higgins flirts her apron first to right 
and then to left as if ridding the room of something disa- 
greeable. Outside Flossie calls) : Hoo-hoo, — Jim — 
Jimmie — Come over here — 

Mrs. Higgins : Distress on 'em, distress on both of 'em ! 

Minnie (Enters right): Simpson's said they would be 
glad to send the sugar, or anything you might care for. 
They had already heard that Joe is coming. Isn't 
it wonderful the way good news travels? 
(Minnie gazes at the picture. Mrs. Higgins takes her 
vegetable dishes to the kitchen). 

Flossie (Enters left) : I called the kid, he'll bring the 
eggs, Mrs. Higgins. 

Mr. Higgins (Enters right) : I picked him too, Marthy. 

Minnie: How sweet! I hope Joey takes after his father. 

Flossie: Nuts! (Mr. Higgins retreats to the kitchen. 
Flossie whistles and picks at the plant leaves. Minnie 
is in a deep study, she goes to the cupboard and looks in, 
goes back to the table). 

Minnie: Mrs. Higgins, Mr. Higgins, come in quick. 
(The Higgins came reluctantly). 



52 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Don't you think we should have a reception for Joe 

tonight? 
Mrs. Higgins: I hadn't thought about it — 
Minnie: Everyone will want to see him; we shouldn't 

be selfish with him — 
Mrs. Higgins: I must get my chicken on, you talk it over 

with Henry. (Exit right). 
Flossie (before Minnie has time to adjust her simpering 

lips) : Mr. Higgins, I'll have the reception, — 
Minnie: You won't, either; I'll have it myself, I've 

made all the plans — 
Flossie: When's she had the time, Mr. Higgins? 
Minnie (Ignores Flossie, but answers her question) : I 

should say mother is making the plans, we talked it 

over while I was dressing — 
Flossie (Goes in front of Minnie) : Mr. Higgins I want 

you to come to my house tonight to a reception for 

Joe. (Goes to the kitchen door) : Mrs. Higgins I invite 

you to a reception for Joe; it'll be at my house. 
Minnie: What are you doing? 

(Flossie goes to the door left). 

Where are you going? 
Flossie: To ask Brother Campbell to make the address 

of welcome — (She dashes out the door) . 
Minnie (Runs to the kitchen) : Mother Higgins, stop her 

— I want to have it for Joey — what will he think? — 

She will make a mess of it — she can't do things 

nicely. 
Mrs. Higgins (Appears in the door) : I can't stop her — 
Minnie : Tell her Joe won't go, — tell her I've got the 

ice cream — Father Higgins please stop her — 
Mr. Higgins : She's gone — 



TWO'S COMPANY 53 

Minnie : Go after her, — Joe never did like her — he 
couldn't stand her — please go after her — 

Mr. Higgins: Go after her yourself, Minnie, beat her 
to it, cut across the lot. 

Minnie: Thank you. (Starts to get her hat). 

Mr. Higgins: Don't stop for your hat; — she'll — 
(Minnie runs out the door left, Mr. Higgins goes to the 
window left of the door and watches her) : I got 'em out, 
Marthy. 

Mrs. Higgins: You did; or they got theirselves out. 
(She laughs): How'll Minnie get over the fence in 
her fine dress? 

Mr. Higgins: She aint thinkin' about clothes for once. 

Mrs. Higgins: Don't hardly seem fair to send her across 
the lot — 

Mr. Higgins: Y r ou wanted 'em out;" any thing's fair in 
love or war — 

Mrs. Higgins: This is love and war both. I'm afraid 
the war aint over for my poor baby; I'm afraid he's 
goin' to get more war at home than he got in France — 
(She peeps over the plants) : Look at Minnie — 

Mr. Higgins: She's plowin' right through — 

Mrs. Higgins: With her white shoes, too — I don't care 
what happens since you got shet of 'em. Now we can 
see Joe first and post him, tell him how they been 
actin' so's he'll be ready for 'em. 

Mr. Higgins (to the picture) : Poor feller, I know what 
you're comin' back to, 'taint no picnic 'ither. (To 
Mrs. Higgins) : I used to think I wanted Joe to settle 
down here — in Higginsville — I aint so sure now — 

Mrs. Higgins (with traces of tears in her voice) : He'd bet- 
ter go away. — You see what his life'll be like — he 



54 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

might end up by marryin' one of 'em to get shet of 
'em — 

Mr. Higgins: No, he won't marry one of 'em, by gol; 
he'll find some way out, or we'll find some way for 
him; they won't, they sha'n't, by gol, they aint 
goin' — 

Mrs. Higgins: What'U we do about tonight? 

Mr. Higgins : They're dead bent to have a reception — 

Mrs. Higgins: Which place'll we go to? 

Mr. Higgins : We won't go no place, the first night Joe 
gets home — 

Mrs. Higgins: They'll invite folks — I wish they could 
tend to their own business — comin' over here when 
we want to be alone. 

Mr. Higgins: Wonder if Minnie got acrost the lot; 
(Goes to the window and looks out) : By gol, Marthy, 
she's comin' back — 

Mrs. Higgins: Distress on her. — I won't have her here 
when Joe comes. — (Starts to the kitchen) : Don't you 
let her in. (The outside kitchen door opens. Mrs. 
Higgins turns impatiently): Who's that? (Flossie 
comes into the dining room) : Where'd you come from? 

Flossie : I just telephoned from home. He says he will 
be glad to welcome Joe. Where's Min? 

Mrs. Higgins: She went to see Brother Campbell, too. 

Flossie: The nerve of her! — Good joke on her when he 
tells her I got him first. (Laughs). She'll go home 
and blubber all over her mother. — Joe'll be glad 
when he hears what I rescued him from. — He never 
could stand their palaver — he told me once Min 
made him feel like he'd had too much Christmas 
dinner. 

Mr. Higgins (Through this speech Mr. Higgins has been 



TWO'S COMPANY 55 

looking out the window, he is visibly agitated; he looks 
to Mrs. Higgins who is fussing with the dishes on the 
table: he says helplessly) : Marthy, I can't help it — 

Minnie (flings the door open): I decided to ask Mr. 
Tinsley; he is a better speaker — 

Flossie: Cat! 

Minnie : — than Brother Campbell, and he's always lived 
here — (Mrs. Higgins flees to the kitchen, Minnie with 
head high passes Flossie and stands at the kitchen door) : 
Mr. Tinsley said there isn't a boy in the county he 
would rather welcome home than our Joey, Mother 
Higgins, — that's the way every one feels — 

Flossie: Simp! 

Minnie: I want you to come early, be there by seven- 
thirty — 

Flossie: We'll be ready at seven o'clook — 

Mrs. Higgins (Comes to the door) : Henry, don't forget 
to put on your collar and tie before you go to the train; 
you left them on the mantel — (She goes back to the 
kitchen) . 

Mr. Higgins (Puts on his collar, lets the tie hang) : When 
you get the rooster on, Marthy, come tie my tie — 

Minnie : Let me tie it — 

Mrs. Higgins (Runs in, rubbing flour from her hands) : 
I'll tie it. (When she has tied the tie, she takes the band 
box from the cupboard) : Wear your best hat, Henry. 
(She sets the box on the machine and returns to the 
kitchen) . 

Minnie (Takes the hat out, hands it to Mr. Higgins): 
Everybody is fixing up for Joey — 

Flossie (aside) : She'll make me shoot yet — 

Minnie (Trips to the kitchen door) : Anything I can do out 
here? 



56 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Mrs. Higgins: Not in them clothes. 

Minnie: I won't hurt them. I'd love to help you get 
supper for Joey — 

Mrs. Higgins: You can't, go set down. (Minnie strolls 
to the picture, then to the window.) 

Flossie: Mr. Higgins, what you s'pose Joe's big surprise 
is — 

Mr. Higgins : Don't know, it might be one of them Ger- 
man guns — 

Flossie : Or a — 

Minnie : Perhaps it's a Paris gown for — Mother Hig- 
gins— 

Mr. Higgins: Don't believe Joe'll bring dry goods — 

Minnie: Hasn't he given you a hint? 

Mr. Higgins : No — 

Minnie : He never was good about writing — 

Mr. Higgins : He writes to us right along — 

Minnie: I'm so glad, when he went away, he said he 
would put in most of his time writing to you and 
Mother Higgins. — I wanted him to — I knew your 
sacrifice was greater than mine — 

Flossie: Piffle! — Say Mr. Higgins, it might be the old 
kaiser's helmet. 

Mr. Higgins: By gol, that's a good un — 

Mrs. Higgins (Comes to the door, lifts her glasses to look 
at the clock) : It's gettin' late, you better go, Henry — 

Flossie: Guess I'll go with you — 

Mrs. Higgins: No, you won't — 

Minnie : I'll go, Mother Higgins — 

Mrs. Higgins: No you won't; nobody won't go but 
Henry; Joe wants to see his pa; you must hurry 
Henry. (She rushes Mr. Higgins out the door; starts 
back to the kitchen, listens) : I believe I heard a whistle. 



TWOS COMPANY 57 

Minnie : I don't believe so — 

Mrs. Higgins : There's the train whistlin' — it must be 
pullin' in — (She runs to the window) : Henry '11 never 
make it; (She turns on Minnie powdering her nose with 
a Dorine and patting her hair) : You girls f ussin' has 
kep' him from meetin' his own baby comin' from 
France. Distress on the both of you ! (She wipes her 
eyes with the corner of her apron) : Come all the way 
from France and nobody to meet him — 

Minnie (Tries to console Mrs. Higgins, who resents the 
approach): That's just too bad, Mother Higgins, 
(glancing at Flossie). She has been so — 

Mrs. Higgins: It's the both of you — 

Minnie : You are tired, Mother Higgins — 

Mrs. Higgins: No, I'm not, and don't you call me 
Mother Higgins again - — (She exits fight) . 
(Minnie continues with her toilet, Flossie tucks her 
waist in her skirt belt all the way round, Minnie is 
quite absorbed with her reflection in the mirror of her 
bag). 

Flossie (Looks out of the window) : They're here — 

Minnie (Looks over Flossie 9 s shoulder) : Where — 

Flossie: They're here, Mrs. Higgins; Mr. Higgins got 
past our corner — 

Mrs. Higgins (Runs in the room) i Distress on a rock ! — 
all the way from France and nobody to meet him — 

Flossie: Who's that woman? 

Minnie (Opens the door): What woman? 

Flossie: With Joe — 

Minnie: I don't see her — 

Flossie: She's with Mr. Higgins now; she kissed him on 
both cheeks — 

Minnie ( Turns into the room) : French ! 



58 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Flossie: Joe's comin' on ahead — 

(Joe Higgins, a big soldier bursts into the room, he 
throws a suitcase and sweeps his mother off her feet, 
he kisses her again and again, she weeps on his shoulder. 
Mr. Higgins enters with a young woman. She is pretty, 
petite and dressed in a trim traveling suit with small hat). 
She trips over to Mrs. Higgins). 

Joe : Mother, this is Lisette — 

Lisette: Ma-ma! (She kisses Mrs. Higgins on both 
cheeks. Mrs. Higgins is bewildered, she adjusts her 
spectacles to look at the girl; she looks at Joe). 

Joe : I brought you a daughter, Lisette is my surprise — 
(Mrs. Higgins gathers Lisette in her arms, she casts 
triumphant glances at Flossie and Minnie. Joe spies 
the girls): Hello, Floss, old girl, how are you? 
(Shakes hands with her) : Helloo, Minnie, glad to see 
you — ( The girls are cool) : I want you to meet my 
wife — (He draws Lisette away from his mother) : 
Lisette, here are some friends of mine, Miss Gates — 
(Flossie offers Lisette a limp hand) : Miss Downing — 

Minnie (Molasses to the end) : I'm so glad to meet you, 
Mrs. Higgins. — I hope I shall see a lot of you, — 
Joe — Mr. Higgins and I are such good friends, we 
grew up together — I wanted to have a reception 
tonight but Miss Gates has made all the plans — 

Flossie: Have not! 

Mas. Higgins: I'll have that reception myself — 

Mr. Higgins: Good thing you pulled the table out, 
Marthy, we got real company now — (Minnie puts 
on her hat; Flossie goes to the door) : Not goin' are you, 
girls? — Better stay to supper — (Flossie goes out 
without reply). 



TWO'S COMPANY 59 

Minnie (Takes something from the plate she had desig- 
nated as Joe's place, she slips it into her hag) : Thanks, 
no, Mr. Higgins, I can't stay tonight, mother will be 
expecting me. 

CURTAIN 



A BY-PRODUCT 



CHARACTERS: 

Benson, a captain in the United States Army 

Gray, a lieutenant in the United States Army 

Fred Hauptman, a sergeant major in the United 
States Army 

The Prisoner 

A Guardsman 

TIME: 1918 

PLACE: Back of the American Sector in France 



A BY-PRODUCT 

(A tragedy in one act) 

The Scene — Improvised Officers' Headquarters in a 
Deserted Farm House. 

[At the right is a broad and deep fireplace, a chair 
stands near it; at the back a door; left of the door a 
window with shutters; between the door and window 
stands a desk with chair beside it. At the right of the 
door is a filing cabinet. The room is dimly lighted by 
candles on the cabinet, desk and mantel.] 
(As the curtain rises Captain Benson, a sandy-haired, 
burly, florid fellow stands before the filing cabinet. 
Lieutenant Gray, an immaculately groomed, small man 
sits at the desk). 

Benson goes through the drawers, he shoves the last one 
in. Leaning on the cabinet, half turned, he says, 
dejectedly. 

Benson: Give it up. 

Gray: Well, I told you. 

Benson (Faces Gray) : You told me all right, but a whale 
of a lot of good it does. You tell me how it got out. 

Gray (With a shrug he has acquired since being in France) : 
That's simple; either by spy or by traitor. 

Benson: It shows all our gun positions. The whole 
sector's in danger. (Strides over to the fireplace and 
back to the cabinet) : God, I hate to say it. (He pulls 
the drawers in and out) : It looks like a traitor. (He 
turns to Gray) : There isn't a man in the company — 
Gray (Rises and walks in front of the desk): How 
about the Top Sergeant? 

Benson: Hauptman! 



64 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Gray: Yes. 

Benson: A No. 1 — Enlisted because the Huns handled 
his father so rough. The old man's been held in 
Berlin since 1914. 

Gray (Leans against the desk with his legs crossed; his 
confidence is irritating): German blood, though. 

Benson: 100% Yank when it comes to getting Fritzies. 
Look here, Gray, that boy goes over and puts up a 
line of Boche talk that leads 'em right out of their own 
trenches. That's how he got his last stripes. 

Gray: I know, but blood will out. 

Benson: T hell with blood. It's — 

Gray : Our commandant says — (Benson sits in the chair 
near the fireplace, mutters aside; he has heard too many 
of the commandant's sayings): that we give the 
hyphenates too much rope. They have positions of 
great trust; they are officers in our army. I'm sure 
you'll find that all trained officers would bar them — 

Benson: We're not fightin' on paper now, Gray. You 
shavetails have a lot of theories that don't always 
work out when you're up against the real thing. 

Gray: You must admit we are taught discipline. Take 
this map for instance, if the discipline here hadn't 
been a little lax — 

Benson (Jumps up): Lax! 

Gray : I beg pardon, Captain — 

Benson: You say Hauptman — 

Gray: I don't say a thing positively. It just occurred 
to me that since Hauptman is our sergeant major he's 
the only other man who has keys. (He nods toward 
the cabinet). I thought of him particularly because 
I do not trust one drop of German blood. 

Benson : His record — 



A BY-PRODUCT 65 

Gray: There are traits that crop out when the Father- 
land is in a tight place — 

Benson: I'll bank on Hauptman. — He's on patrol to- 
night, and I'll lay you he'll bring in some Huns. 

Gray: That doesn't get the map — 

Benson: No. — About Hauptman, do you take me — 
{Gray hesitates) : I'll make it two to one — 

Gray : You know, Captain, I — 

Benson: Yes, afraid to back up your talk with a piece 
of change. (Benson laughs, Gray is less confident). 

Gray: I hope Hauptman is all right; I've never seen a 
thing — 

(During the last two speeches a commotion is heard out- 
side. Sergeant Hauptman, a big, blonde boy enters. 
He leads a prisoner by one of the wir.e halters known in 
the army as a "Come along." 

Benson: Well Hauptman — 

(To Gray) : You're lucky you didn't take me. What 
did I tell you? 

(Hauptman advances and salutes). 
(Benson turns his flashlight on the prisoner standing 
near the door and discovers that the man is in an Ameri- 
can uniform. Benson turns to the sergeant) : What the 
devil you dragging in now? 

Gray (Laughs): Short of Huns tonight, Sergeant? 

Hauptman (Squints at the uniform, looks sheepish, ignores 
Gray, addresses Benson) : Caught him red handed, sir, 
right out here in our trench. There were two of 
them. I wouldn't have noticed them if they hadn't 
been having a scrap of their own in Boche. The other 
fellow got away from me; Sloan is chasing him now. 
This fellow fell for my line o' talk, so I slapped on a 
"Come along" and led him in. He's just like ail the 



66 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

rest of 'em, as gentle as a lamb about coming. I 
don't know about the uniform, sir. 

Benson: Well, go over him; look out for papers. Go 
over him extra — 

(Hauptman leads the prisoner into the light near the 
fireplace and well down stage, while Benson locks the 
cabinet. Gray picks up blanks and papers on the desk 
and puts them in the drawer which he locks. When 
Hauptman steps into the circle of light the prisoner's 
whole attitude changes). 

Prisoner (Throws his arms toward Hauptman) : Mein — 

Hauptman (Startled looks at the man very closely, he recog- 
nizes his eyes though the lower part of his face is dis- 
guised by a stubbly beard. Instinctively he cautions): 
Sh! (He looks around cautiously; all are occupied) . 

Prisoner: Fred, mein — 

Hauptman (Torn between duty and realization of the pris- 
oner's danger he slams the man's helmet down over his 
mouth just as Gray looks up) : Careful here, don't you 
try — 

Gray: Needn't be so rough, Sergeant. (Hauptman con- 
tinues his search, finds nothing until he removes a 
leather puttee, when a piece of crumpled paper falls out. 
He makes a move to put his foot over it) : I'll have that. 
(Gray takes the paper, smooths it out): Thought so. 
Here we are, Captain. (Gray hands the paper to 
Benson). 

Benson (Looks at it eagerly) : Thank God, that sector's 
safe. (He strides over to the prisoner): You dirty 
hound, you. (The prisoner shrinks from him): In 
that uniform. — There's just one way out for such 
bloody dogs as you — (Hauptman leans against the 
mantel with his back to the audience. Benson turns to 



A BY-PRODUCT 67 

Gray) : Let's see, Lieutenant, it must be about four- 
thirty these days. 

Gray; Yes, Captain. 

Prisoner (Turns first to Hauptman, who rushes to the 
doory and then to Benson) : I am Amerikan, sir. 

Benson: You talk a hell of a lot like one. 

Prisoner (The man's speech is tainted more by the dis- 
arrangement of his words, direct translations from the 
German, than by the heavy accent of the German tongue) : 
I have been held, sir, — four years — only German I 
have heard — 

Benson: We don't forget our own language — 

Prisoner : I svear to you — 

Benson : Just cut out the swearing. I've got your num- 
ber. Caught you with the goods — 

Prisoner: The paper? The paper I have not know — 

Gray (Benson and Gray both laugh): Good romance, 
Captain. 

Prisoner: Oh, sir,. I am Amerikan — naturalized — 

Gray : Stick to your own guns — 

Prisoner ( To Benson) : Thirty years I have been natural- 
ized — 

Gray: Two-thirds of the prisoners we take are natural- 
ized Americans. 

Benson: Yes. (To prisoner): That's old stuff. How 
long you been fooling round here? How many trips 
you made in this? (Points to the American uniform) 

Prisoner: Tonight — first — 

Benson: Not very smooth, were you? 

Prisoner: I volunteer for this, sir. (Benson and Gray 
laugh again). I think now I can give myself up to 
my — 



68 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Benson (Silences the man with a scornful gesture) : Say, 
how the devil did you get that map? 

Prisoner: I tell you, sir, the map I do not know — 

Benson (impatiently) : I've had enough of that racket. — 
There's just one way out for you — 

Prisoner (Catches Benson's hand): The paper I have 
not know — 

Benson: Stand up to — 

Prisoner: I came with the best spy, mein comrade 
tonight, — 

Gray: That's right, blame it on the other fellow — 

Prisoner : Did I — Should I betray my country — for 
myself I could not plead, I tell you sir, I svear to you 
— before God I svear — (He steps toward Sergeant 
Hauptman) : This boy tells you — (Hauptman looks 
at the man and then turns away). 

Benson: Sergeant Hauptman, do you know this man? 

Hauptman (Faces the captain) : I do not, sir. ( The pris- 
oner reels against the desk). 

Prisoner : Lieber — Herr — Gott ! 

Benson: Lieutenant Gray, take charge of the firing 
squad. Report here at four-thirty. 

Gray (Salutes): Yes, Captain. 

Benson (Looks at his watch) : It's three forty-five now. 
We'll not bother to take this bloody dog to the mill. 
(He addresses Hauptman) : Sergeant, guard the pris- 
oner. 

Hauptman (Slautes) : Yes, Captain. 

Gray (Who has started to the door): Captain! (Recalls 
his position and hesitates). 

Benson: Well? 

Gray : I must have misunderstood — 

Benson: Misunderstood what? 



A BY-PRODUCT 69 

Gray : You — you can't mean to leave the prisoner in 

Hauptman's charge — 
Benson: Say, who has charge of these diggins? 
Gray : I beg pardon, sir. Hauptman tried to shield this 

fellow — 
Hauptman: I — 

Gray : He tried to conceal the paper — 
Benson : Good lord, Gray, Hauptman bagged him in the 

first place — (Hauptman relieved, steps out of the light 

back stage). 
Gray: I know, sir. But the man's appeal. It is rank 

folly, — I was taught — (Benson fumbles with his 

keys and tries the drawers in the filing cabinet) : As you 

say, sir, I am not in command. — I am only — 
Benson: Sergeant Hauptman, you are detailed to guard 

this prisoner. I hold you responsible for him. 

(Hauptman salutes) : I'll set an extra guard outside. — 

(He starts to the door) : Four- thirty, Lieutenant Gray. 
Gray (humbled but unconvinced) : Very well, sir. (Steps 

aside for Benson to go out the door and follows him.) 
Hauptman {Closes the shutters at the window). (He waits 

at the door until the guard comes up, commands) : Keep 

moving — (He closes the door, listens there and then 

at the window, he confronts the prisoner.) 

Father — how could you — 
Prisoner (Turns from the boy, sinks into the chair). 

Denied — by mein own son ! (He buries his head in 

his hands.) 
Hauptman: That map — (Moves restlessly up and down 

the room.) 
Prisoner: I tell you — I — (Looks toward Hauptman, 

despairs of convincing him.) 
Hauptman : It shows all our gun positions — this whole 



70 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

sector might have been wiped out. (He goes to his 
father, speaks with deepest resentment.) You — like 
the rest of them — I thought you were different. 
Just stayed there to help them, did you? 

Prisoner (Looks at his son in amazement) : I stay to — 
help — 

Hauptman (Ignores his father, says half to himself): 
Just as the fellows say: "In the blood of every man 
born there." I used to hate 'em for saying that. 
They said men would leave Germany to get away from 
the army, but any of them will go back when there's 
trouble. 

(He turns to his father who has risen) : In America for 
years — and you turn against her — 

Prisoner (Springs at Hauptman) : I — against America 

Hauptman (astonished): Why, father! 

Prisoner: That you cannot say — (He raises his hand. 

Hauptman catches his father's upraised hand) : You 

can deny me, — but traitor ! 
Hauptman (His face alight with understanding) : Father ! 
Prisoner (Sinks back into the chair) : Fred — mein 

son — the paper I have not know — you must believe 

me — 
Hauptman : Yes, father. (He lays his hand on the bowed 

shoulders, he toaits until his father is calmer.) Why did 

— (As his father shrinks from his question he changes 

it) : Has it been awful, dad? 
Prisoner: At first they treat me well — but I must 

stay there — in Berlin. Day after day I ask for 

passport. Always they put me off. They say next 

time I can go. — For three years it is next time. 
Hauptman: Then we were in'it. 



A BY-PRODUCT 71 

Prisoner : Yes ; I was asked for much money — I will 
not give it — 

Hatjptman: Bully for you, dad. 

Prisoner (Shakes his head) : I do not know, Fred, some- 
times I think perhaps I make more to do what they 
ask, always I am watched, always blamed, always 
tormented, when I will not give information, every 
day worse than the day before, but I will not betray 
my country. — (He rises and paces up and down as he 
talks) : They send me to Essen. — Munitions. — 
Ah, Fred, that was hardest of all. Always a soldier 
at my elbow. You see I am suspect — 

Hauptman (Listens at the door and window): Careful, 
father, — go on, I want to hear, but we must be care- 
ful. 

Prisoner : The man past forty they call — 

Hauptman: But you are — 

Prisoner: I tell them, I tell them I am Amerikan — 
naturalized — but they find, — they say they find, 
I have left Germany after military age — 

Hauptman : You were only — 

Prisoner: I know, but when they say — (He signs that 
all is futile) : Last week we move up. Fred, I do 
anything so I will not fire. Any menial work I do 
gladly; I cannot fire against my country-men — 

Hauptman: No, father. 

Prisoner: For this I volunteer. (He points to his uni- 
form) : I think now I can give myself up. The cap- 
tain say I shall go with the best man, the man who 
always bring something back, and if I bring nothing 
I die. Fred, I agree to him. To myself I say, before 
I go back there I will die by mein hand. If my com- 
rade get anything, before I die, he must die — 



72 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Hauptman: I'm so sorry, father, for — 

Prisoner: Fred, you thought I — 

Hauptman: How did you get the map — 

Prisoner : That my comrade must have put on me. He 

come back and say he have a paper — 
Hauptman: Was that what you were scrapping about? 
Prisoner: Yes, then someone came — 
Hauptman (miserably) : Then I came with that damnable 

talk (He strides over to the chimney.) 
Prisoner : I was afraid you were another — 
Hauptman: Don't say it — (He takes several turns 

around) : Here you are now condemned as — Father, 

I must get you away. 
Prisoner : No, no, Fred. 
Hauptman: You must go. 
Prisoner: I cannot. You, Fred, I cannot leave. You 

will be suspect — 
Hauptman: I got you here. — I must get you away. 
Prisoner (Points to the door) : Impossible ! the guard — 
Hauptman (Casts about) : The chimney. See, it's shelled 

away. You can — 
Prisoner: Beyond are the lines, the soldiers — 
Hauptman (puzzled) : That's so. (He studies) : I'll tell 

you, I'll give you a pass — 
Prisoner: How can you? 
Hauptman: I'm sergeant major, dad. 
Prisoner: Yes, but — 
Hauptman: I'll give you a pass back to Captain Field at 

the Base Hospital. (He unlocks the desk drawer). 

Where are those blanks? (Searches for a pad.) 

Great work, dad, being top sergeant. 
Prisoner (Goes to the desk) : It is — 



A BY-PRODUCT 73 

Hauptman (Scribbles a pass) : I signed this. (Holds up 
the pass) : It's risky business, but I want Captain 
Field to know it's O. K. (Hands the pass to his father 
who refuses it.) 

Prisoner: No, Fred. 

Hauptman: With this you can go anywhere in our lines. 

Prisoner: Perhaps. (Still refusing.) I leave mein son 
in my place? I cannot — 

Hauptman: Why not? lean — 

Prisoner: For you I am afraid. The captain say, 
" Sergeant Hauptman, you are detailed to guard this 
prisoner. I hold you responsible for him." If I am 
not here you will be responsible — 

Hauptman : Yes, but if I can just get you out — 

Prisoner : Fred, Fred — You, I cannot leave — 

Hauptman : I am not thinking of myself, father — How 
could I ever explain to mother, she's waited so long — 

Prisoner: Could I go back to her without you, — no, 
no, Fred escape, if it were possible, would — you are 
not mein alone, you must be — (Hauptman tries to 
silence him) : The man who aids a — a — 

Hauptman: Father, listen to me. I'll explain it. Cap- 
tain Benson is my friend. You could see that. 

Prisoner: Yes, that I could see. 

Hauptman: He'll understand when I tell him how it is. 
He knows all about how you were held in Berlin. If 
you are here when they come back I won't be able 
to — 

Prisoner : If the captain should not understand — 

Hauptman: He must. Father, think! If you stay here, 
in just a few minutes you will be — 

Prisoner: If I do not stay mein only son will be in my 



74 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

place. No crime in the army is so great as the one 
the lieutenant suspects. No, no, Fred, the risk — 

Hauptman: Risk? Of course there's a risk — I believe 
I can fix it up. Captain Benson has advanced me 
over older men, he will — 

Prisoner: You do not know the crime — in an army to 
be a — I am a — a spy — condemned — to aid a spy 
is — 

Hauptman (caressingly): Dad, that's old stuff. You 
think you're with the Huns yet. If you stay here 
we have no chance at all. If you get away they will 
have to believe me or spend some time hunting you, 
before they find you I'll have a chance to prove that 
you are all American — 

Prisoner: The captain say: "Just one way out" — I 
know how they deal with — 

Hauptman : This is the American Army, dad, you are an 
American citizen — our army must not execute one 
of its own men — an innocent man. (He takes his 
father's hand and leads him to the fireplace, slips ihe pass 
in his pocket) : Come on, father, take the road to the 
left. Go close to the sentry at the cross roads, when 
he says, "Halt, who goes there?" answer Hauptman 
he knows me — 

Prisoner (Hangs back) : No, I — I 

Hauptman (Places the chair in the chimney, fastens his 
own ammunition belt around his father's waist, gives him 
a pistol) : Come, father — ( Tries to push him on the 
chair). 

Prisoner: Fred, Fred, — you are mein only son — 

Hauptman : Don't talk, father, your accent's against you. 
(Looks at his watch) : Hurry, the time's almost up — 
(Half lifts, half shoves, his father to the chair.) Go to 



A BY-PRODUCT 75 

the left — (Pushes his father up the chimney and listens 
for the drop outside. He walks around restlessly, puts 
the pad back in the drawer, which he locks. He sits at 
the desk, jumps up.) I forgot to give him the pass 
word — (Rushes toward the chimney, as if he would fol- 
low. A shot is heard outside. Hauptman is transfixed. 
Several persons are heard running. Lieutenant Gray 
throios open the door and enters with the prisoner dishev- 
eled and shot in the hand, a guardsman follows.) 

Gray (to guard) : Summon Captain Benson. 
(Exit guard.) 

(Hauptman goes to his father.) 
I was afraid of this — 

Hauptman : I can explain, sir — (Leads his father to the 
chair which he places down stage right, bends over him to 
examine the wound.) 

Benson (Runs in the room) : What in God's name? 

Gray: The prisoner escaped, sir. 

Benson: No, there must be some — (Strides to Haupt- 
man) : How about this, Hauptman? 

Gray (Steps between them) : I'm sorry to say, sir, he must 
have been aided. (Hands the pass Hauptman gave 
to his father to Benson): There's a signature. 

Benson (Reads the pass) : Hauptman ! I — against bet- 
ter judgment — I trusted — 

Hauptman (Salutes): The prisoner is my father, sir. 
I can explain — 

Gray : In business of this kind we — 

Benson : In the army there are no explanations for this 
crime — (The prisoner tries to speak, he is pushed back 
by the guard.) 

Hauptman: Captain Benson, he is an American. 



76 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Benson: Sergeant Hauptman, this man was caught with 
a valuable paper, the success of our company, their 
lives were endangered. I trusted you — you failed 
me, you are an accomplice — 

Prisoner (Makes his way to Benson) : The boy, — spare 
— spare him. 

Hauptman: My father did not know about that map, sir. 
It must have been put on him by his comrade. Give 
us time, sir, we can prove — 

Benson : When spies are caught there is only one law — 

Hauptman : Our army could not — he's innocent, sir — 
We aren't Huns, sir — 

Benson : The law deals swiftly — (He turns helplessly to 
Gray) 

Gray: It must — 

Benson (Speaks with difficulty) : Yes, Lieutenant, there's 
just one way, for them there's just one law — 

Prisoner : I am the spy — this boy — 

Benson : He gave aid to you — 

Prisoner: No, no, I escape — 

Gray : We have the proof, his signature — 

Benson (Looks away from Hauptman and the prisoner) : 
The man who gives aid to a spy — 

Gray: Is also a spy — (One hears the firing squad march- 
ing up. Gray steps to the door, gives an order) : It is 
four-thirty, sir. (Benson signs to Gray to take com- 
mand y he drops to the chair back of the desk, buries his 
head in his hands as Hauptman and his father are 
ushered out. Presently two shots are heard off stage. 
Captain Benson springs up as the curtain falls.) 

CURTAIN 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 



CHARACTERS: 

Madame Maxine, a beauty specialist and owner 
of the Daffodil Beauty Parlor. 

Susette, Madame Maxine' s Assistant. 

Dick Mac Mantjs, County Attorney. 

Edna Mac Manus, Dick's wife. 

Barney, a bell boy. 

Judge Hyson, the model citizen type. 

TIME: August, 1919. 

PLACE: Anderson, a Middle Western Town. 

SCENE: The Daffodil Beauty Parlor, in the 
Hotel Anderson. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 

At the left of the stage and well toward the front a glass 
case of toilet articles stands against the wall. At the left 
of the case is a desk with a mirror over it. A costumer 
with two hats on it stands near the door rear. 
The back of the stage is occupied by two plate glass win- 
dows with the door between, On the left window one 
sees a rear view of Daffodil in large script letters running 
across the pane; the different industries carried on in 
the establishment under Madame Maxine's name on the 
other. 

At the right of the stage a booth is curtained from the rest 
of the parlor by yellow rep curtains which are adorned 
by black borders. 

The booth is equipped with all the fittings for hair dress- 
ing and manicuring. A mirror panel occupies the entire 
side of the booth above the manicure table. All the 
furnishings carry out the note struck by the name Daffodil. 
Madame Maxine is tally full-busted, narrow-hipped. 
She approaches fifty . She wears rustling black taffeta. 
Her Kelly caste of countenance is sharply at variance 
with the title she has assumed. The Daffodil, a new 
establishment, satisfies an unsuspected longing for beauty 
in the madame's heart. 

Susette, the assistant, inclines to pounds and about 
twice as many motions as should be necessary for the 
conduct of her duties in the parlor. She is hopelessly 
clumsy and thoughtless. She makes an attempt to live 
up to the tone of the parlor by wearing a black voile dress, 
white apron and cap, the latter usually awry. 



80 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

At the rise of the curtain Susette is in the booth. She 
opens the panel and takes out bottles which she hands 
to Madame Maxine, stationed at the booth curtains. 
Susette knocks two bottles together. 

Madame: Remember what you're handlin'; 'tain't 
water. 

Susette: I know it ain't, Molly. 

Madame : How many times I got to tell you — Madame 
Maxine. 

Susette: I just Can't seem to remember — 

Madame : We got something to live up to since we moved 
into the new hotel. 

Susette : I know it Mo — , Madame Maxine, — I feel 
so funny say in' that, can we get out now? 

Madame {Peeps between the curtains; outside the window 
Dick and Edna Mac Manus look at the sign on the right 
window. Madame turns back to Susette, she sets the 
bottles on the table) : Oh, my lord, no. (Goes out of the 
booth to greet Edna as she enters; Dick goes down the 
street right. 

Edna Mac Manus is a small woman about tiventy-three 
years of age. She wears a small hat which seems to be 
too large for her head. Her street dress is dark blue. 
Her hair is pale red, her eyes are brown, her features are 
delicate. She carries a good sized black bag. She looks 
around to see that no one is in the parlor before she ad- 
vances down stage.) 

Edna: Madame Maxine? 

Madame (always affable to trade) : Yes, Mrs. Mac Manus. 

Edna (flattered) : You know me? 

Madame: Not you exactly, — your husband. 

Edna: Of course you'd know him. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 81 

Madame: Yes, I always make it a point, to know the 
county officers and the police. Woman in business 
never can tell when she may need 'em. (Susette 
watches behind curtains.) 

Edna {Takes a red transformation from her bag, hands it to 
madam) : I want this curled and arranged. 

Madame: I never seen one like that. (Holds up trans- 
formation and examines it.) 

Edna: It was made for me. I must have it by eleven- 
thirty. 

Madame: So early? I'm not sure — 

Edna: I must have it; see how my hat wobbles — I'm 
ashamed to go shopping without it. 

Madame: I got so much this morning; I'll do it first 
thing this afternoon. 

Edna: Oh, no; I'm going away this afternoon, out of 
town. (She steps to the shelter of the glass case and 
removes hat.) See what a sight I am without it! 

Madame (Tries to repress a smile): You do need it. 

Edna: I even have to resort to this, (Pulls out a pad of 
curls attached to the crown of her hat) to keep my hat 
off my nose. (Glances at herself in the mirror over the 
desk): Good heavens! (Hastily replaces hat): I'll 
have to bring it to you, often. 

Madame: I'll try to squeeze it in. 

Edna (Starts to madame impulsively, restrains herself): 
Thank you so much, Madame Maxine. I'll call for it 
later. (Exit center back.) 

Susette (Throws curtains aside and watches Edna out of 
sight) : She's some anxious 'bout that hair o' hers. 

Madame : You'd be anxious, too, if you had as little as 
she's got. Bring it out. (Madame and Susette carry 
bottles to the glass case. Susette is generally clumsy and 



82 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

awkward. Madame goes to the desk; picks up trans- 
formation) : I'd ought to work on the books. — Some 
job keepin' two sets. 

Susette: Lots o' work. Lots o' money. 

Madame (Looks up in time to see Susette put a bottle on a 
lower shelf) : Don't mix 'em. (Goes to case) : Always 
put Maxine's Elixir on top. 

Susette: Yes'm, Molly, excuse me. Yes'm, Madame. 

Madame: Don't you forget it; they got to know where 
to find it. (Sits at the desk.) 

Susette (Surveys her work) : That 'nough? 

Madame (Leans back in her chair to count) : Who're the 
regulars today? 

Susette : Judge Hyson, — maybe the cop — no tellin' 
how many Barney may run in. (She says the name 
Barney very fondly.) 

Madame (Goes to the door and speculates on the weather) : 
Goin' to be hot. — Bring out the rest of it. (Susette 
brings remaining bottles from the secret cabinet and puts 
it in the case. Madame picks up the transformation.) 
I aint really got time to fool with this. — It'd be hard 
to match. 

Susette: It would; that red and it so fine. 

Madame: Must cost a pretty penny. (Goes inside the 
booth; turns on an electric curler, curls a strand) : 
Susette ! 

Susette (Jumps away from the mirror): Yes'm. 

Madame: Look here, — can you do this? 

Susette patches the curling of another strand): Sure. 
(Takes curler.) 

Madame (Madame returns to the desk, takes up her book 
work): I got to get these books up. (Outside the 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 83 

window a bell boy comes along the street; looks in the 
parlor to see that all is safe before he enters.) 

Barney: 'Mornin'! (Susette runs out of the booth): 
Hello, Susie! 

Madame (Corrects): Susette! 

Barney: Aw, I can't remember that. She's Susie, and 
you're — 

Madame: None o' your sass. 

Barney (Ogles Susette while he moves nearer the desk) : 
Don't mind me, Molly. Boss says we got to stand 
for the frills since you took up the new line. Makes 
everything so darned respectable. 

Madame: Susette, watch that curler. You be careful 
of that piece. I wouldn't have anything happen to 
it for a hundred dollars. 

Barney (Watches Susette as she draivs the curler outside 
the booth curtains, so that she can feast her eyes on 
Barney) : That thing a hunderd dollars ! Some val- 
uable ! (Madame continues to be absorbed in her books; 
Barney slips back and chucks Susette under the chin. 
The girl is entranced. Barney tries to distract Mad- 
ame' s attention from his love-making) : Boss says you 
sure got nerve. 

Madame: Don't you try to blarney me. 

Barney (Snatches a kiss from Susette) : I mean it, Molly, 
excuse me, Madame! Ain't a man in town got the 
nerve to do it. 01' Judge Hyson says this place is an 
o-a-sis. You know how he talks, o-a-sis, a fountain 
in a dry land, he says. (He caresses Susette) : Got any 
Elixir? Boss wants to know. 

Madame: Plenty, help yourself . (Barney goes to the case 
for a bottle; Susette forgets everything in admiration of 
him. The curler hangs limp in her hands, an unmis- 



84 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

takable odor fills the room; Madame sniffs) : Burnin' ! 
(Madame rushes over to Susette; too late the girl tries to 
unwrap the curler and takes out a section of hair the 
width of the iron. Susette is petrified. Barney is 
generally clumsy and in the way; Madame is frantic:) 
Idiot ! Don't stand there droolin' ! — Get me hair 
goods. (Wails) : Her comin' fore noon. (Susette 
lunges at the drawer in the lower part of the case, draws 
out a black switch which she hands to Madame, who 
flings it back): Look at this, gump! What color is it? 

Susette: Red. (She draws the boxes of hair to the center 
of the stage, Barney tries to help.) 

Madame (Watches each box as it is opened) : Give me that 
front. (Compares it with the transformation; flings it 
back) : That red switch. — Too coarse. — Maybe I 
could put it in. — She's the last person in this town 
I'd want some thin' to happen to. 

Susette: I'd not be 'fraid of a little shrimp like her. 

Madame: You may be 'fraid of 'er 'bout the time you've 
ruined me. 

Susette: Huh! She couldn't hurt you. 

Madame: He's county attorney, fool! 

Susette (Slumps in a heap) : Oh ! my lord ! 

Barney: Good night! 

Madame: Just married, and touchy 'bout his wife. If 
there's anybody in Anderson I want to keep on the 
good side of it's Mac Manus. 

Barney (Holds up a bottle): Same price? 

Madame (abstractedly): Same. 

Barney (Drops some money in the desk draiver): This is 
no place for an honest man. (Picks his way among 
the boxes of hair to the door): 'Bye, Susie. 
(Exit Barney center back. Susette gazes after him.) 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 85 

Madame: Is that all we got? (Susette comes to with a 
start; hands up a brown toupee) : Look at this, Dummy, 
it's red and for a lady. (Susette tumbles the hair about.) 
Anything more there? 

Susette : That's all the store hair. — There's the 
combin's. 

Madame: Bring 'em out. (Susette goes to the booth, gets 
a bag made like an overgrown silver case. She draws 
hair from each pocket. Madame snatches the first ves- 
tige of red): Here's somethin' I could use if it was 
hackled. (She ponders): Give me that red switch 
and the red curls. — She's goin' out o' town this after- 
noon; if I could palm this off on her, I'll have hers 
ready when she comes back. (She goes to the booth, 
sits at the table, orders Susette): Qet me scissors. — 
Tape. — Needle and thread. (Susette runs icith the 
scissors from the desk. Madame cuts the switch in 
lengths) : Get me a hook and eye. — Hers is fastened 
with a hook and eye. (Susette searches every where for 
a hook and eye, finally remembers one on her belt, pulls it 

off.) 
Susette: Had to take it off my belt. (Hands it to 

Madame; clumsily tries to arrange the hair stock in 

boxes; spells from a box): M-e-d brown; what's 

med. brown, Molly? 
Madame: Medium brown, fool. — Toupee belongs there. 

Hurry up and get that stuff out o' sight. — I don't 

want the parlor all cluttered up when she comes back. 

(Rises and shakes out the transformation) : Thank God ! 

that's done. (Switches on the curler, is curling the 

center section when Edna appears outside the window.) 
Susette (Shoves the boxes to the case) : Here she comes. 

(Stuffs boxes in the drawer.) 



86 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Edna (Enters) : I know I'm early. 

Susette (over her shoulder): Yes'm you are. 

(At the sound of Edna's voice Madame throws up her 
hands; tucks burned transformation behind the hair 
dryer.) 

Edna: Is Madame Maxine ready for me? 

Susette: Ready yet, Molly, I mean Madame? 

Madam (Swallows hard, tries to appear calm, exaggerates it 
as she emerges from the booth) : O-oh, Mrs. Mac Manus ! 

Edna: Is my transformation finished? 

Madam: Not quite; ain't you got some more shopping? 

Edna: I'm through. I'll wait here if you don't mind. 

Madame: Mind? certainly not. Glad to have you. 
Susette, give Mrs. Mac Manus a chair. (Susette dis- 
entangles her feet, jumps up, pulls out the desk chair) : 
Put it over there. (Indicates the space near window 
left and well up stage) : The light's better. — Give Mrs. 
Mac Manus the morning paper. (Goes into booth and 
calls): Susette, please. (Susette goes to the booth, 
madam whispers to her, the girl gets paper and wraps 
the new transformation, Madame leaves the booth): 
I hope you'll like our work, Mrs. Mac Manus. I'd 
like to see you here often, a reg'lar customer. 

Edna (Drops the paper and clasps her back hair) : Oh, I 
shall be, I haunt hair dressers; I'm always having 
hair troubles. 

(Susette hands Edna the package, she hurries back to 
the booth and sits breathlessly expectant. Edna rises 
and moves down stage.) 

She needn't have wrapped it; I want to put it on. I 
can't stand this much longer. (Wobbles her hat.) 

Madame (Tries to take the package from Edna, who is 
unwrapping it): I'll put it on for you; step in here. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 87 

Edna (Continues to unwrap; holds up the new transforma- 
tion): This isn't mine! {Examines the coil): This 
isn't mine at all. 

Madame (Appears ignorant; bends over the piece): So 
it ain't, isn't I should say. 

Edna ( Tosses the coil to the desk) : It isn't my shade. 

Madam: Susette! (Susette slips out of the booth, she is 
weak with fright): This ain't Mrs. Mac Manus's piece, 
stupid ! 

Susette: No'm? 

Madame: Is Mrs. Mac Manus's piece ready, the light 
auburn transformation I told you to wrap? 

Susette (Bewildered, looks around wildly. Madame 
manages to catch her eye and forms the word "No" with 
her lips): No'm, Molly, excuse me, No'm, Madame. 

Madame: Is Mac Manus's piece ready; the light auburn 
transformation? 

Susette: No'm it was — that is it ain't — not quite 
ready. (Plunges into the booth.) 

Madam: Mrs. Mac Manus, I wonder if you know what a 
fierce proposition help is. 

Edna: I'm learning. 

Madame: This girl's been with me long enough to 
know how to go ahead with things, she's grown up 
with the business I might say, but I got to stand over 
her every minute. If you'll be patient a little while 
I'll attend to your work myself. 

Edna (Looks at her watch): I've plenty of time. I am 
to stay here until Mr. Mac Manus calls for me at 
eleven-thirty. 

(At mention of Mr. Mac Manus Madame Maxine 
throws up her hands and hurries into the booth, whispers 
to Susette, who whirls and stumbles in her haste to take 



88 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

of cap and apron and put on hat; she exits center bach, 
meets Barney, shakes her head violently. Madame tries 
to untangle enough hair from the mat of combings to fill 
in the missing strands of the transformation.) 

Barney (Saunters along outside, peeps in, sees no one, en- 
ters): Boss wants two — (Edna looks up, folds her 
paper. Barney discovers her): Gosh! (He backs out. 
Madame runs out of the booth.) 

Edna (Laughs): A bell boy got in the wrong place. 

Madame: Huh? Yes I — I s'pose so. 

Edna: He backed out in a hurry, when he saw where he 
was. He was so embarrassed. 

Madame: Him? I — I 

Edna: He was as funny as a man in a millinery shop. 

Madame: Was he? (Goes to desk and turns her book ner- 
vously): Wish that girl would hurry. 

Edna: Is my work done? 

Madame : No, I — not yet, I got to mend a place in it. 
— I couldn't match the thread. (She flees to the booth. 
Edna continues reading.) 

Judge Hyson (Comes from right, opens door carefully, 
sees no one, remarks facetiously) : How's our firm this 
morning? 

Madame (Hurries out of the booth) : Oh, Judge, you scared 
me. (Inclines her head toward Edna.) 

Judge : Oh — er — I — a 

Madame (Businesslike): Mrs. Mac Manus, Judge 
Hyson. 

Edna (Rises): Good morning, Judge Hyson. 

Judge: Mrs. Mac Manus, did you say? 

Madame: Yes, Judge. 

Judge (Shakes Edna's hand warmly): This is indeed a 
pleasure. I know your husband very well. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 89 

Edna: I've heard him speak of you. 

Judge: We are all interested in our promising young 

county attorney — and his wife, aren't we, Madame 

Maxine? 
Madame: Yes, yes indeed. 

Judge : We are proud of your husband, Mrs. Mac Manus. 
Edna: Thank you, Judge Hyson. 
Judge: We have reason to be. He is giving us a good 

clean administration. He has practically cleaned 

out this town. 
Edna: There must be one place he hasn't found. (Mad- 
ame glances anxiously at the case.) 
Judge: He works too hard, Mrs. Mac Manus, he should 

begin to let up, now. ^ 

Edna: He'll never let up until he finds the last drop. 
Judge : I don't doubt it. (Madame slips over to the case.) 
Edna: If he has to search every house in this town. 
Judge : You can depend on him, you should try to have 

him slow up a little. 
Edna: Slow up! I'd like to help him. 
Judge (Laughs): What could you do? 
Edna : There seems to be nothing. — I'm going away 

this afternoon because Mr. Mac Manus hasn't time 

to bother with me. 
Madame : Better take time. 
Edna: He's going to stay on the job now, until he finds 

where that stuff is if — 
Judge: About yourself, Mrs. Mac Manus, are you en- 
joying our little city? 
Edna: I haven't had much chance yet, not since the 

new law went into effect. — I think I'll enjoy it when 

Mr. Mac Manus gets it cleaned up — 



90 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Judge (trying to get away from the subject of the town) : 
I — ah — I see you have discovered the excellent 
ability of Madame Maxine. 

Madame : Now, Judge — 

Edna: Yes, that is, I'm going to — 

Madame (fervently): I hope so. 

Judge (Speaks very deliberately, he tips from his heels to 
his toes with his hands pressed together): Mrs. Mac 
Manus, I can, recommend to you, from experience, I 
can recommend especially, her hot oil scalp treat- 
ments — I must beg your pardon, of course you 
wouldn't need them so young. 

Edna (Clasps her head) : Oh, but I do ! 

Judge: In that case you have come to the right place. 
(He bows his head ivhich is slightly bald) : Not much to 
boast of, but I'd be combing my head with a towel if 
it hadn't been for the Madame. 

Madame: Don't you flatter me, Judge. 

Judge : I believe it. — If those treatments were taken 
regularly, if they were persisted in, I believe Madame 
Maxine could grow hair on a — a — on a snake's 
head. 

Madame: Law, Law, now, Judge. 

Judge: I believe it. Now I'm a busy man. I haven't 
time to spend in such places, so Madame prepares 
a tonic for me which I apply myself; not so good as 
her treatments but the best I can do. I'm out again, 
Madame. (Madame goes to the case) : A large bottle, 
please. (Madame starts to wrap it) : I don't know just 
when I can get back, perhaps we'd better say two 
bottles. (Madame takes out another bottle): or even 
three. (Madame takes out another bottle, wraps the 
package, which she hands to the Judge, who pays her): 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 91 

If you will take the advice of one who knows, Mrs. 

Mac Manus, you will take a course of those treat- 
ments. — Good morning, Mrs. Mac Manus; good 

morning, Madame Maxine. {He bows himself out.) 
Edna {excitedly): I'm going to have those treatments, 

Madame Maxine. 
Madame: So — 

Edna {Looks at her watch): May I have one while I wait? 
Madame {immensely relieved): Sure, step right in here. 

{Leads the way to the booth. Edna sits at the table. 

Madame removes her hat and takes down the pitifully 

short, thin hair.) 

I'll just give you massage with tonic today, you can 

begin the other treatments when you come back. — 

When will you be back? 
Edna: It all depends on Mr. Mac Manus, and when he 

finds that place. 
Madame: Say, Mrs. Mac Manus, has he been to Carson's 

on Smoky? 
Edna : Every place down there has been raided and fined. 
Madame: Carson's still looks suspicious to me. — Mrs. 

Mac Manus, you may not believe it; I've never had a 

finer head of hair in my hands. It's as fine as silk. 

{Strokes a strand) : It's silk itself. 
Edna : I'd like to have enough of it to pin a hat to. 
Madame: When you've had a few treatments with me 

you'll see — 
Edna: I hope so. 
Madame {Parts the hair and examines the scalp): Your 

scalp is dry and too tight. 
Edna: I've heard that ail my life, what can be done for 

it? 



92 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Madame: You heard the Judge. It's the truth. I tell 
'em I aint found the head yet I can't grow hair on if 
they'll only come for the treatments. — Was a woman 
once had typhoid fever and all her hair came out, every 
spear of it; her head was as bare as a billiard ball. 
All I got to say is I wish you could see her now. — 
Nothin' I could ask o' that woman she wouldn't do 
for me. 

Edna : Do you suppose I could ever leave off that trans- 
formation? 

Madame: Course you can, begin right now. 

Edna (Clutches her head): Oh, no, no I couldn't. 

Madame: It's very had for your own hair. (Edna looks 
in the mirror and shrieks at her reflection) : You won't 
make much progress as long as you heat your head 
with that extry mat — 

Edna (Risks one more glance at herself): O-o-h, I wouldn't 
let Mr. Mac Manus see me without it for anything 
in the world. 

Madame: That's it — 

Edna: He doesn't know I wear it. — He despises sham. 
— He's such an upright man. 

Madame: Better not deceive him. 

Edna : He wouldn't like me without it — 

Madame : He's bound to find it out — 

Edna: I must wear it until I've grown some hair of my 
own. We'd better put mine on now — 

Madame (groping for a safer subject) : How is Mr. Mac 
Manus? 

Edna: Pretty well; he's very tired, he has so much to 
worry about. 

Madame: Don't you let him begin that. All men think 
they have so much to worry about. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 93 

Edna: Mr. Mac Manns has real problems to face since 
the new law went into effect. (Impressively): Liquor 
is still brought into this town. 

Madame : You don't mean it ! 

Edna: Yes, it's here in spite of Mr. Mac Manus — and 
the new law. Some one who knows that law well 
must be getting it in. 

Madame: Shouldn't wonder. 

Barney (Dashes in the door): Molly! (Madame sticks 
her head between the curtains) : The cop wants to know 
do you declare dividends today — (Madame threatens 
the boy with pantomimed annihilation, he backs out.) 
For Pete's sake! 

Madame: I have such a time with noisy boys. 

Edna: Does your parlor belong to a company? 

Madame: No, that's a joke he gets dff every once in a 
while. — Some times I wish it did belong to someone 
else. 

Edna : No one likes her work all the time. 

Madame : Woman hoein' her own row ain't got no pic- 
nic — 

Edna : I think if I could only be a man a little while to 
help Mr. Mac Manus find that place — if I could just 
get the evidence for him; he can't do a thing without 
the evidence. 

Madame: Don't you bother your little head about it, 
worryin' is awful bad for your hair — 

Edna : If he doesn't find that place people will say he is 
in league with it; think what that would mean — 

Madame: Nobody'll ever say that — 

Edna: They have already. Yesterday a delegation of 
preachers waited on him to tell him the new law, how 
would they dare? 



94 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Madame: Dare what? 

Edna : Insinuate that Mr. Mac Manus doesn't know the 
new law. He knows it backward. (Susette enters.) 

Madame: Excuse me one moment, Mrs. Mac Manus. 
(Goes out of the booth; Susette opens a package and dis- 
plays two scrawny transformations): Is that all you 
got? 

Susette : Every strand in town. 

Madame: Might know you'd make a mess of it. Put 
the tonic on her. (Nods toward the booth and Edna; 
puts on hat and exits center back.) 

Susette (Takes off hat, puts on apron and cap; takes a 
bottle from the case; goes to the booth, says more truth- 
fully than she realizes): I'm goin' to finish it, Mrs. 
Mac Manus. (Sprinkles Edna's head liberally.) 

Edna (Sniffs): What's that? 

Susette (Seizes the bottle) : Good Lord ! (She runs to the 
case and hurries back with another bottle): Got 'em 
mixed. 

Edna: That smelled like whiskey. 

Susette (Sprinkles Edna's head again) : That's got a lot 
o' stuff in to keep it. 

Edna: Is that the tonic Madame Maxine puts up for 
Judge Hyson? 

Susette: Huh? 

Edna: Judge Hyson told me all about how much Mad- 
ame Maxine has done for his hair. Is that the tonic 
she puts up for him? 

Susette (Looks at Edna sharply, her countenance is se- 
rene): Yes, — for him and others. 

Edna: It must be a wonderful tonic. He'd have been 
bald if it hadn't been for that. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 95 

Susette: I s'pose he would 'a'. Effects different folks 

different ways. S'pose it does make some bald. 
Edna : I know how to sympathize with him. 
Susette: You? 

Edna: Indeed I do. I have the same trouble. 
Susette: Who'll be the next? 
Edna (slightly offended): It's a serious thing. — It's 

the only secret I have from my husband. 
Susette : Don't he know T it? 
Edna : Goodness, no ! 

Susette: Course you wouldn't tell him, he's agin it. 
Edna : Yes, he's such an upright man. 
Susette : I'd never a thought it o' you ; you don't look it. 
Edna : Don't you think a woman can have a secret from 

her husband? 
Susette: Sure; seems a shame to fool a good man like 

that, though. (Massages Edna's head all the while.) 
Edna (After a pause): I'm trying to cure it so I w r on't 

have to deceive him. I'm going away this afternoon. 

I think I'd better have a bottle of Judge Hyson's 

tonic. 
Susette: Aw, Mrs. Mac Manus, you're kiddin'. 
Edna: Indeed I'm not; I've got to have something — 
Susette: Are y'u that bad off? 
Edna: I'm desperate. — You don't know what it's like; 

you have plenty — 
Susette : I don't use it — 

Edna: You don't need to, — get me a bottle, please. 
Susette: You ain't stringin' me, are y'u? 
Edna: Of course not, I've got to grow hair some way. 
Susette: That's what they all say. 
Edna: Madame Maxine has guaranteed, or almost that, 

to help me. 



96 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Susette: Her? 

Edna: Yes, I told her I must have the treatments Judge 
Hyson takes. 

Susette: And she said she'd give 'em to y'o? 

Edna: Certainly. 

Susette: I'm on then. (She goes to the case.) 

Edna (Calls between the curtains): I have no idea how 
long I'll be gone, I'd better have two bottles. 

Susette (Slumps against the case): Y'u got it that bad? 

Edna : I don't want to get out — 

Susette: Just like all of 'em. (She takes the bottles to 
Edna.) 

Edna: How much? 

Susette: Four. 

Edna: Four dollars for those two little bottles? 

Susette: Four dollars per. 

Edna: You must be insane. 

Susette: No I ain't; plenty 'd give more'n that if they 
could get it. 

Edna: It must be precious. I oughtn't to pay that 
much. (Madame Maxine enters with a large bundle 
under her arm.) 

Madame: Susette! (Lays the bundle on the chair, Su- 
sette parts the curtains) : Bring it out. (Madame pats 
her head to indicate the transformation, Susette gets it 
and slips out of the booth. Madame opens the bundle, 
reveals red hair of varying shades. They compare the 
colors.) 

Edna (Calls) : I can't wait much longer. 

Madame (Jumps in front of the hair): Just a minute, 
Mrs. Mac Manus. 

Edna: Mr. Mac Manus is likely to come any time now. 
(She looks in the mirror, turns from her reflection to the 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 97 

bottles, pours a little of the liquid in her palm, dips her 
finger in it; sniffs, sniffs again; touches her tongue to 
the liquid, makes a face, she stuffs the bottles in her bag; 
looks at her watch.) 

Barney (Runs along the street; looks in the window; sees 
Madame and Susette; bursts in the door): Coupla 
travelin' men want all you got! (Madame catches 
him by the collar, he backs off defiantly; Susette claps 
her hand over her mouth) : What's the matter with y ' ? 
(Madame nods toward the booth): Here yet? (Mad- 
ame nods): Got it rented? (Madame turns back to 
the hair): Lookie, Susie. (Barney twirls a dollar and 
catches it in his hands.) 

Madame (Hands Susette a transformation): Put this on 
her. (Susette goes into the booth. Madame goes to the 
case; sees two bottles missing. To 'Barney) : You get 
two more? 

Barney: Not me; not yet. 

Madame: Susie! (Susette hurries out of the booth, Mad- 
ame points dramatically to the top shelf) : Who got 'em? 
(Susette jerks her thumb over her shoulder toward the 
booth.) 

Barney: Her? Good night! (Madame lunges at Su- 
sette, Barney parts them.) 

Madame: I said you'd ruin me. (To Barney): Go get 
Judge, and come back to help. (Exit Barney): 
( To Susette) : You drivelin' — 

Susette:. Molly, Molly, she won't tell him; he don't 
know she drinks — 

Madame: HER! You — fool — get to — out o' here. 
(Susette grabs her hat): Don't show your dirty face 
here — (Susette dodges out the door and runs off left. 
Edna watches behind the curtains; she is convulsed; 



98 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

she sees Madame look at the bottles on the top shelf; 

she looks around for something to hide them in; chucks 

them in the bundle of hair and ties it up) . 
Edna : Madame Maxine, I must have my transformation. 
Madame (Hurries into the booth): Awful way to treat a 

new customer. (Seizes a brush, peers around all the 

time.) 
Edna (sweetly): Have you lost something? 
Madame: Yes, — no, — here it is. (Hooks the transfor- 
mation around Edna's head) : I must get your hair — 

on. 
Edna: Yes; Mr. Mac Manus will be here any minute. 
Madame (Agitated, brushes Edna's hair violently; looks 

around; spies Edna's bag, tries to draw it away. Edna 

hangs on): I'll hang it up for you. 
Edna: You needn't mind. 

(Dick Mac Manus enters.) 
Madame (Hurries out of the booth, stands just outside the 

curtains): Good morning, Mr. Mac Manus, glad to 

see you — 
Dick : Good morning, is — 
Madame: This is the first time you've been in the Daffy - 

dil. 
Dick: Yes, I came for Mrs. Mac Manus. (Judge Hyson 

hurries along the street; he wipes his face and neck with 

his handkerchief, throws the door open): Hello, Judge. 
Judge: Morning, Mac. Off your beat? 
Dick: No, I — 

Judge : Don't expect to find my friends in beauty parlors. 
Dick: How about yourself? 
Judge: Me? Oh I — I saw you come in here, stopped 

to call you. (Goes close to Dick) : I believe I've got a 

new scent. 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 99 

Dick: So, where? 

Judge: A cottage on the state road, third one, it's white. 

Dick: Any evidence? 

Madame : Say, Mr. Mac Manus, how 'bout Carson's on 
Smoky? 

Dick: Raided long ago. I'll follow that up. {Judge to 
Madame): I came for my wife, is Mrs. Mac Manus 
ready? 

Madame: We been detained, delayed a little, couldn't 
you come back say in half an hour. {Edna tries to 
fart the curtains, Madame turns to her): He'll see your 
hair. {Edna climbs on the chair and looks over the top 
of the booth, sees Barney enter) : I'm awful sorry to keep 
you waitin', busy man like you. 

Barney: My goods ready? 

Madame {Points to the bundles on the chair, continues to 
Dick): I don't suppose it'll take more than twenty 
minutes. {Barney starts out the door with the package.) 

Edna: Don't let that boy out! {Every one is startled, 
Dick jumps ahead of Barney. Madame turns into the 
booth; pulls Edna down from the chair.) 

Dick: That you, Edna? 

Edna {Struggling with the Madame) : Yes, get that pack- 
age. 

Dick: What's in it? 

Madame {Steps outside the curtains): It's got hair in it. 
I want it returned, go on Barney. 

Edna: There's whisky in that package. {Madame turns 
into the booth and tries to grapple with Edna.) 

Dick {Wrests the package from Barney who scampers out 
as fast as he can): What you say, Edna? 

Edna: Here's the place — right here. 

Dick: What? 



100 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Edna: This Daffodil Beauty Parlor is the place you've 
been looking for. 

Judge: I'll go now. (Starts to the door.) 

Madame (Releases Edna; runs to the judge): No you 
don't; not just yet. (To Dick): I'll take that pack- 
age. 

Edna (Peeps between the curtains) : The whisky's in there. 

Madame : It's hair — 

Judge (Pokes the end of the package, pulls out hair and 
laughs): You're mistaken, Mrs. Mac Manus, it's 
hair — red hair. 

Dick (hefting the package) : More than hair here. 

Edna: Open it. 

Judge: Go slow there, Mac, you can't open that pack- 
age without the Madame's permission. 

Dick: Got to have a search warrant, I'll get one. 

Edna : Don't leave, Dick. 

Dick: You can swear out a warrant Judge. (Dick is 
excited, Madame is rigidly tense, the Judge is very delib- 
erate.) 

Judge: I must have evidence, Mac, tangible evidence. 

Dick (disappointed): That's right. 

Edna: Evidence? I've got the evidence. (Walks out 
of the booth, around Madame trying to bulk large before 
her, and hands one of the bottles to Dick. Madame tries 
to take the bottle. Edna goes back to the booth, stands 
with the curtains parted.) 

Dick: No you don't. (Opens the bottle, smells it): 
Should say it is. (To judge): Smell that. 

Madame: That's my Elixir. It's got a lot of preserva- 
tive in it. It's the finest thing for f allin' ha — 

Dick: Depends on what makes it fall. What you say, 
Judge? 



ALLIED OCCUPATIONS 101 

Judge {Takes the bottle, takes a drink): Beats me; where 

did you get this, Mrs. Mac Manus? 
Edna: From the top shelf, where you got yours. 
Dick: WHAT? 
Judge : I bought some — 

Edna: "Three bottles of her own excellent tonic. " 
Judge (Moves toward the door): Excuse me, Mac, I just 

wanted to tell you about that cottage — 
Madame (Backs against the door) : No you don't — 
Edna: Don't let him out; he's in it too — 
Dick: Hyson! 

Judge: No, I'm not, Mac, these women are hysterical. 
Madame : Stand up and take your medicine — 
Edna: How about "Our firm?" ^ 
Judge: That's just an old joke — 
Madame: No joke when you got the rake-offs — 
Judge : Don't go back on me, Molly — We'll close out, 

Mac, don't let it get out, Mac — 
Dick : You're up against Uncle Sam in this, Judge — 
Judge : You can save me, Mac, I got a family — 
Dick: I'm sorry, its beyond me now — 
Judge: Every drop we've got is in that package; isn't 

it Molly — 
Madame : All 'cept what she got — (Points a vindictive 

finger at Edna). 
Judge: How did she get it; who squealed? 
Madame : That fool Susie let this little (Swoops down on 

Edna) hairless (Pulls the scant locks to their abbreviated 

length.) 
Dick (Looks at Edna): Edna, what happened to you? 

Have you been sheared? 
Edna (Clutches her head): Where's my — 



102 LIGHT WEIGHTS 

Madame (Laughs exuliingly) : Show this to your upright 
man! (Snatches the burned transformation from the 
hair dryer and tosses it to Edna.) 

Edna (Holds up the transformation, sees the burned place) : 
O-o-h ! (She looks at Dick, who remains unmoved, hair 
makes no difference to him, she realizes the burn has been 
a benefit, she runs to Madame Maxine) . I don't care, 
Madame Maxine; I really thank you — (She looks at 
the burn): The. haul is worth it. 

Dick: I should say it is, Edna, you're SOME SLEUTH! 

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